Happy Fall Y'all

Thought I'd pop in and wish everyone a happy Autumn.  The twins turn 3 this weekend and start preschool on Monday.  I will officially have time to BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all....for now....

It's been a long, crappy year

Being a SAHM of ASD twins is exhausting, depressing, occasionally amazing.  I'm sure at some point, I'll get some troll along here to tell me to just shut up and deal.  Yeah, well most days I shut up and deal.  Today isnt one of those days.  I don't think, unless you're a parent of an ASD kid, you realize the simple kids things that make me cry.  I see a baby eating with a spoon, eating real food and not puree.  I see a baby saying and waving "bye bye", it breaks my soul into pieces. Watching kids playing with other kids and laughing.  It's very very hard.  Some days seem harder than others.

I heard that most marriages that produce ASD kids have a tendency to fail.  I can see why.  There are never agreements when it comes to the kids, barely ever do we agree on anything when it comes to these 2.

You ever wish you could just turn the clock back 15 years? Lord knows I do.

Now with 2 kids with Autism Spectrum!....Christ.

So my son was diagnosed a few weeks ago and is also on the spectrum with his sister.  So, here I am, at home, with 2 special needs children. You know what's really fucking hard? BEING ME! Thankfully, they are both getting in home therapy till their 3rd birthday which is right around the corner.  This is a true blessing and I cannot be more grateful for this. I think these 2 are brilliant in their own ways.  I'm still waiting for Charlotte to start really eating.  She's made a little progress and is back on a little jarred food but will still not chew and swallow anything that's not pureed.  John on the other hand is a food hound, but, I am getting concerned that he's going to be a carb loader.  That's pretty common with kids on the spectrum.  Luckily he's a string bean but he eats like every 20 minutes. It's not easy keeping up with  that demand.

Other than being with them 24/7, and I mean 24/7 since John has been sleeping with us since January and Charlotte has to fall asleep on the couch with me and then if I don't pass out also, I then scoop her up and put her in her crib.  Then climb into bed with daddy and the boy.....I havent had a peaceful nights sleep in months.

I wonder if there are any mothers out there who are having similar difficulties?  I don't wish it upon anyone for sure.

Well it's Friday the 13th......something fucked up should happen to me any time now....not that it already hasnt.

Wow...gee thanks CT for this whopping $26 a month to feed my family

Yeah so it's been a while. Things are still not great. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble on that.

Charlotte is finally receiving the services she needs to help with her ASD. We now have professionals come in almost all week to work with the kids. It is truly a blessing and I will not complain about that. What I will complain about is the fact that it took the Attorney Generals office to get Social Services to freaking answer me about food assistance! Unreal. So we were approved.....wow, $26 a month.....yeah a MONTH. Now, in other countries you very well can feed a family of 4 on $26 a month. In America? Hell to the no. Not happening. Also, because Charlotte has completely stopped eating solid food, she's been on Pediasure since November. My child refuses to eat solid food. Well, if you're Social Services, I guess you can say "well that's more of the $26 for the rest of you!".... You bet your sweet ass I am going to fight this.

Now for anyone new to my blog, I am sure you are saying to yourself "Jesus Nora, get off your ass and get a job so you can support your family!"....well, I have 1 child with a disability and another with special needs and you want me to just dump them off somewhere while I go back to work? Where exactly would that be? No, please tell me. We cannot afford childcare and if I go back to work full time, all that money will go to pay childcare thus leaving us in the exact situation we are in now. We have gotten rid of 1 car and I am in the house 24/7 with the twins. Should I go jog to an interview? Granted, that would shed some pounds for sure. Then again, living off $26 a month for food will surely help us all lose some weight around here.

Wow, things really are crap. I am saying this with somewhat of a smirk on my face only because I am heavily medicated on antidepressants to help keep me going without completely losing my shit. Thanks Ativan and Cymbalta, appreciate the support.

My dad is losing his job so their aid to our family is coming to a close also. I guess I should focus on the positive like the fact that we had no snow so we didnt freeze to death?!...yes that's a happy thought. What else?.....I think that's about it right now.

I'd love to blog about Hollywood or politics but honestly I am mommy 24/7 so the only TV I see is Blues Clues, Yo Gabba Gabba, Sesame Street and the Wiggles...it's probably for the best I don't see what's up in the "real world".

2012 sucks.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

So to end a shitty year, my baby girl was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I can't say I'm shocked to be honest. Not with the fits, tantrums, meltdowns anytime things are different, the fact that she won't eat toast unless I make it, or drink a bottle unless I hand it to her. I may not be shocked, but I am still heartbroken. I love how they came into my home, tested her, gave me the diagnosis and then left. That was it. No real discussion with me about it, just left.

I didnt think I could feel more alone with things, then they told me that. So now what am I supposed to do? She melts down and her poor brother just looks at her like "momma what did I do? why is she crying?" Every day here is heartbreaking for me. Not only with what is going on with the kids but with the overall depression I have in general already.

I can't explain it. No matter the therapy, no matter the medication, I have a complete hatred for myself. I can barely look in a mirror without wanting to throw up. People say "you should look at yourself the way your babies look at you." I don't know how to do that. Do you think I want to feel this way or look this way? No, I don't. I should go to a gym you say? Really? You going to pay for the membership and childcare while I do that? Didnt think so. I wish it was this easy.



So that's it. I love my babies, I hate myself. The end.

Being poor really fucking sucks

I can't afford to feed my children. I can't afford oil to heat my house. I have never been in this type of situation. I have applied for food assistance over a month ago and still no word, I am going to apply for heating assistance next week. Before you judge me and say 'get a job lazy bitch" guess what? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO! I'm not a stuck up jerk who thinks retail is "below me", believe me, I'm applying everywhere! No one is calling. My husband is working his ass off and we are months behind in payments. We can't afford to move and can barely afford our rent. We are pretty much screwed.

Both kids recently had surgery and Charlotte is going to undergo autism testing next week. I had my anxiety meds changed and increased.

These are really crappy times we are living in, totally crappy.

2 year olds are the terrible

As I sit here typing this, this sweet little face you see on your left is having a titanic meltdown, kicking & screaming her ever loving brains out. Why? I assume it's because she forced herself to stay up all day and finally passed out on the couch around 4 and woke up an hour later, thus pissing her off because she's overtired. There are no tears. Just loads of kicking and screaming. This is what I deal with at least 5-10 times a day. 24/7. She just purposely banged her head on the kitchen floor. Her brother, mellow dude that he is, is laying in the papasan chair, he was sleeping, her screaming woke him up. He is ignoring her, like his mama is. I did put her in time out twice for kicking me. She's sweating now from all this. I swear I do not understand this child at all. She was born with a crap temper but the second she turned 2, it's been complete and total hell. Now she's rolled completely to the front door. Her goal is to get me to come get her. Fuck that shit. I suppose she's also torturing me because she saw the ENT this morning and her tongue tie clipping is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. Yes, Kaiser failed my other child too.

Well, I was going to bitch about the fucked up October snow storm that wiped out our electricity for a freaking week but her screaming is pissing me off now.