Happy Fall Y'all

Thought I'd pop in and wish everyone a happy Autumn.  The twins turn 3 this weekend and start preschool on Monday.  I will officially have time to BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all....for now....

It's been a long, crappy year

Being a SAHM of ASD twins is exhausting, depressing, occasionally amazing.  I'm sure at some point, I'll get some troll along here to tell me to just shut up and deal.  Yeah, well most days I shut up and deal.  Today isnt one of those days.  I don't think, unless you're a parent of an ASD kid, you realize the simple kids things that make me cry.  I see a baby eating with a spoon, eating real food and not puree.  I see a baby saying and waving "bye bye", it breaks my soul into pieces. Watching kids playing with other kids and laughing.  It's very very hard.  Some days seem harder than others.

I heard that most marriages that produce ASD kids have a tendency to fail.  I can see why.  There are never agreements when it comes to the kids, barely ever do we agree on anything when it comes to these 2.

You ever wish you could just turn the clock back 15 years? Lord knows I do.

Now with 2 kids with Autism Spectrum!....Christ.

So my son was diagnosed a few weeks ago and is also on the spectrum with his sister.  So, here I am, at home, with 2 special needs children. You know what's really fucking hard? BEING ME! Thankfully, they are both getting in home therapy till their 3rd birthday which is right around the corner.  This is a true blessing and I cannot be more grateful for this. I think these 2 are brilliant in their own ways.  I'm still waiting for Charlotte to start really eating.  She's made a little progress and is back on a little jarred food but will still not chew and swallow anything that's not pureed.  John on the other hand is a food hound, but, I am getting concerned that he's going to be a carb loader.  That's pretty common with kids on the spectrum.  Luckily he's a string bean but he eats like every 20 minutes. It's not easy keeping up with  that demand.

Other than being with them 24/7, and I mean 24/7 since John has been sleeping with us since January and Charlotte has to fall asleep on the couch with me and then if I don't pass out also, I then scoop her up and put her in her crib.  Then climb into bed with daddy and the boy.....I havent had a peaceful nights sleep in months.

I wonder if there are any mothers out there who are having similar difficulties?  I don't wish it upon anyone for sure.

Well it's Friday the 13th......something fucked up should happen to me any time now....not that it already hasnt.

Wow...gee thanks CT for this whopping $26 a month to feed my family

Yeah so it's been a while. Things are still not great. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble on that.

Charlotte is finally receiving the services she needs to help with her ASD. We now have professionals come in almost all week to work with the kids. It is truly a blessing and I will not complain about that. What I will complain about is the fact that it took the Attorney Generals office to get Social Services to freaking answer me about food assistance! Unreal. So we were approved.....wow, $26 a month.....yeah a MONTH. Now, in other countries you very well can feed a family of 4 on $26 a month. In America? Hell to the no. Not happening. Also, because Charlotte has completely stopped eating solid food, she's been on Pediasure since November. My child refuses to eat solid food. Well, if you're Social Services, I guess you can say "well that's more of the $26 for the rest of you!".... You bet your sweet ass I am going to fight this.

Now for anyone new to my blog, I am sure you are saying to yourself "Jesus Nora, get off your ass and get a job so you can support your family!"....well, I have 1 child with a disability and another with special needs and you want me to just dump them off somewhere while I go back to work? Where exactly would that be? No, please tell me. We cannot afford childcare and if I go back to work full time, all that money will go to pay childcare thus leaving us in the exact situation we are in now. We have gotten rid of 1 car and I am in the house 24/7 with the twins. Should I go jog to an interview? Granted, that would shed some pounds for sure. Then again, living off $26 a month for food will surely help us all lose some weight around here.

Wow, things really are crap. I am saying this with somewhat of a smirk on my face only because I am heavily medicated on antidepressants to help keep me going without completely losing my shit. Thanks Ativan and Cymbalta, appreciate the support.

My dad is losing his job so their aid to our family is coming to a close also. I guess I should focus on the positive like the fact that we had no snow so we didnt freeze to death?!...yes that's a happy thought. What else?.....I think that's about it right now.

I'd love to blog about Hollywood or politics but honestly I am mommy 24/7 so the only TV I see is Blues Clues, Yo Gabba Gabba, Sesame Street and the Wiggles...it's probably for the best I don't see what's up in the "real world".

2012 sucks.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

So to end a shitty year, my baby girl was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I can't say I'm shocked to be honest. Not with the fits, tantrums, meltdowns anytime things are different, the fact that she won't eat toast unless I make it, or drink a bottle unless I hand it to her. I may not be shocked, but I am still heartbroken. I love how they came into my home, tested her, gave me the diagnosis and then left. That was it. No real discussion with me about it, just left.

I didnt think I could feel more alone with things, then they told me that. So now what am I supposed to do? She melts down and her poor brother just looks at her like "momma what did I do? why is she crying?" Every day here is heartbreaking for me. Not only with what is going on with the kids but with the overall depression I have in general already.

I can't explain it. No matter the therapy, no matter the medication, I have a complete hatred for myself. I can barely look in a mirror without wanting to throw up. People say "you should look at yourself the way your babies look at you." I don't know how to do that. Do you think I want to feel this way or look this way? No, I don't. I should go to a gym you say? Really? You going to pay for the membership and childcare while I do that? Didnt think so. I wish it was this easy.



So that's it. I love my babies, I hate myself. The end.

Being poor really fucking sucks

I can't afford to feed my children. I can't afford oil to heat my house. I have never been in this type of situation. I have applied for food assistance over a month ago and still no word, I am going to apply for heating assistance next week. Before you judge me and say 'get a job lazy bitch" guess what? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO! I'm not a stuck up jerk who thinks retail is "below me", believe me, I'm applying everywhere! No one is calling. My husband is working his ass off and we are months behind in payments. We can't afford to move and can barely afford our rent. We are pretty much screwed.

Both kids recently had surgery and Charlotte is going to undergo autism testing next week. I had my anxiety meds changed and increased.

These are really crappy times we are living in, totally crappy.

2 year olds are the terrible

As I sit here typing this, this sweet little face you see on your left is having a titanic meltdown, kicking & screaming her ever loving brains out. Why? I assume it's because she forced herself to stay up all day and finally passed out on the couch around 4 and woke up an hour later, thus pissing her off because she's overtired. There are no tears. Just loads of kicking and screaming. This is what I deal with at least 5-10 times a day. 24/7. She just purposely banged her head on the kitchen floor. Her brother, mellow dude that he is, is laying in the papasan chair, he was sleeping, her screaming woke him up. He is ignoring her, like his mama is. I did put her in time out twice for kicking me. She's sweating now from all this. I swear I do not understand this child at all. She was born with a crap temper but the second she turned 2, it's been complete and total hell. Now she's rolled completely to the front door. Her goal is to get me to come get her. Fuck that shit. I suppose she's also torturing me because she saw the ENT this morning and her tongue tie clipping is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. Yes, Kaiser failed my other child too.

Well, I was going to bitch about the fucked up October snow storm that wiped out our electricity for a freaking week but her screaming is pissing me off now.

It's going to snow....SNOW?! In October??

It's going to snow tomorrow. Snow...in October. Why is this shit happening? I hate bloody snow. I'm already stuck in the house enough as it is, but when it snows that means I am officially a prisoner in my own home. PISSED about this.

Charlotte is going to see the ENT on Wednesday to see if she needs her tongue clipped like her brother just had done. I'm still so angry at fucking Kaiser Permanente it's not even funny. 2 years of this crap, they can't speak, barely eat and are in speech therapy twice a week. All couldve been avoided had a lactation nurse LOOKED in their mouths instead of poking and pinching me and telling me things were wrong with ME and that's why my babies couldnt latch properly. Fucking assholes.

New subject. Snooki is writing a book.......oh I'm sorry, a SECOND book...*sigh* is Kim Kardashian going to be writing and directing movies soon?...I mean movies where she doesnt end them with "Oh baby cum on my face!" God I hate these people so very much. No talent, wastes of flesh that offer nothing to their communities other than ignorance and filth. Lord I sound like an uppity old woman...well, I guess I am. I hate, let me rephrase, I LOATHE who and what is considered "cool and hip" in this country. You wonder why other countries hate us so much? No, not because of our choices of politicians (Well Bush yes but no other), they hate us because they think everyone in this country is like Snooki and a Kardashian! It's a fucking joke!

I'm going to go back to my sad little world of watching Yo Gabba Gabba with my kids, at least they learn real lessons from The Gabba gang. Like don't bite your friends and share and you should always try new foods, you may like it!

Peace

Anxiety disorders SUCK

Hi, I have anxiety attacks. They show up when they want. There is no rhyme or reason as to why and they SUCK. Today my twins turn 2 years old. I am just sitting here watching Jack's Big Music Show with them and futzing around on the computer, reading The Superficial and WHAMO! My brain goes blank, my tongue starts to feel swollen and my chest tightens for a second, then my brain feels a little fuzzy and I have to get all weird and say out loud "YOU'RE FINE CUT IT OUT!"...now I have to take an anti anxiety medication. This is ridiculous. All I want to do is focus on what i need to do for the party tomorrow, not sit here and focus on my stupid ass brain!!

I wasn't always like this. I actually never had a panic attack until we decided to move back to CT. They just showed up and have not gone away since.

I'm going to change the subject because I spotted a story online that pissed me off. Now, as we all know there's that Prop 8 in CA that the Mormons (morons) made sure didnt pass because they hate the gays. I love how they act like marriage is this sanctimonious thing. KIM KARDASHIAN WORE WHITE!!!! Marriage means NOTHING in this country!! It's a pathetic game. Who the hell are we to say who can and cannot get married when it's nothing but a game show? How dare anyone say that gays can't marry. I happen to have more than 1 family member that is gay and guess what? They love like anyone else. If you hate the gays, FUCK YOU!

Now for a youtube from my buddy Chuck on the subject


Peace out.

See you later dignity, it was nice knowing you

What an interesting couple of months. Well, it appears that all the feeding and speech issues I've had with my son for almost 2 years has been because,.......he's TONGUE TIED! Really? Well, he had surgery the other day to correct this. Now, excuse me if I am wrong but should this not have been noticed when he was BORN? Like when he couldnt latch and they kept telling me how inadequate I was as a mother and my son was not able to eat and because jaundice the following day because he was freaking starving?! Almost 2 god damned years we've been going through hell trying to help him eat and it's been because his poor tongue was SO tight to the bottom of his mouth he was not able to MOVE IT?! Honestly? I want to sue someone over this. I'm not kidding. I signed something in the hospital when they were born stating that I was giving up any sign of being a real woman and bottle feeding my babies.....yes, Kaiser Permanente made me sign something saying these things so my children wouldnt starve. The lactation nurse didnt think maybe, just MAYBE there was something wrong with John's tongue and thats why he couldnt eat? I'm beyond angry, they humiliated me! They put me in therapy over this! I can't even look at my breasts without thinking "big damn loser, ugly loser, you're not a real woman, you couldnt even feed your babies!"

So my baby boy had his tongue surgery the other day, it was probably more traumatizing for me than for him. He's fine. He was back running laps through the house by noon the same day. We've all been sick with a weird cold, I've had it the longest. Probably because I share food with the kids and kisses and they wipe their mouths and noses all over me.....the things I do for love.

Today is my 6th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, I went out and sold what was left of my jewelry (other than my engagement ring) so help pay the rent and feed our kids. I officially have nothing to leave my daughter when I leave this earth. It was that or go find a street corner and hope someone is looking for a good time with a fatty. Not likely. I feel like the worlds biggest loser because of this. I sold the 1 item I said I would never sell. It hurt, badly. I keep finding myself weeping over it. I know it's just "stuff" but you know what? I paid a fuckload of money for this stuff 12 years ago and got about 10% back of what it costs me originally, that shit hurts.

Considering that lack of empathy regarding this, it hurts even more. I officially have nothing left.

So that's my tale of woe for today. I'm a big fat loser....nothing new there.

Probaby a good thing I'm medicated.

It's probably a good thing that I'm medicated for my depression and anxiety. If I wasnt, I'm not sure how I would be coping right now. It's pretty fucking sad when you only have $40 in your bank account and need groceries and diapers for your kids. My brain hurts....really hurts....I'm doing all I can to sell any unnecessary baby stuff that we have laying around here like the pack and play, their infant seats, old clothes...etc. Last month I broke down and sold jewelry. That fucking hurt. I didnt even get half of what I originally paid back in 99. I don't dare say anything to my mom about it, they're having enough problems on their own without having to listen to my whining.

Sorry, just having a pity party for myself today. The birth to 3 people were here to work with the twins today. I had a slight breakdown when Amy asked me if I was OK. I felt like such a loser. So overwhelmed with them lately, especially with their eating quirks. Charlotte is still refusing to feed herself and eats almost nothing and John won't just take a bite of something and chew and swallow, he futzes with it and ends up mainly wearing it or chucking it on the floor.....I feed them 365 days 3 times a day and when I ask the other parent to feed them on weekends, it still ends up being me...needless to say, I'm not going to ask anymore.

Again, I apologize for being a downer and don't expect anyone to give a crap, just venting.

Let's see

So let's see how fast I can pound out a post before Charlotte completely decides not to nap or John needs to wake up since he's been out for almost 3 hours now. Well, to start things, my dad's cancer was caught at stage 2 and at the moment, he has NO cancer. It's SUCH a relief. They said since it popped up out of nowhere, it can come back just as fast but he has no signs of it right now.

Charlotte has decided she no longer likes to take her nap. She fights it every singe day and it drives me completely insane. Yeah I'm zoning on Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and it keeps sucking me back in.

Shit, I have like a million things to bitch about all the time and then I get 20 seconds to post and it's gone.......I hate my brain.

Cancer....again

My father has kidney cancer.

Mother's day means nothing in this house

So mothers day is this weekend...looks like it's just me and the twins. His majesty is going to drive to VA to visit his "friend" on his birthday. Not a milestone birthday...just a birthday....and this friend can't be bothered to drive HERE even though we've been back since SEPTEMBER OF 2010!.... On top of this total disrespectful horseshit, my dad is in the ER at the moment. They think it's kidney stones. I honestly hope it's something that simple. The radiation from his prostate cancer has done a number on him and he keeps having issues. I really can't lose my dad right now.

I already don't feel like I have a man who loves and respects me at home, my dad is the only one left who does.

You know what, screw it, I'm unleashing. I have no intention of getting divorced.....but if I am going to be treated with not ONE shred of respect, then I am going to treat him the same way. I went through freaking HELL getting pregnant and carrying them, for HIM...he wanted these kids SO badly and ever since they've been here, he's gone out of his way to make me feel like a complete asshole for having them. I'm so SORRY I don't shit money out of my asshole and that he has to work to support them. SO SORRY I want their father to pay attention to them, so SORRY I expect their father to watch them so I can go to the bathroom or run to CVS...so SORRY my expectations are so UNREASONABLE!....So SORRY I have been suffering from PPD since they've been born and I'm not properly medicated...and I'm so SORRY that I'm so depressed that I am eating myself to DEATH because of it. The only things stopping me from swallowing a shotgun are these babies who need at least ONE parent to love them and pay attention to them and kiss and hug them, feed them, make sure they don't swallow things they shouldnt be chewing on (John eats lint now, it's very annoying). I'm not sorry I had them, I adore them and would kill anyone who tried to harm them or even looked at them the wrong way. I'm just sorry that I knew this was going to be the outcome all along.

RIP Glen

RIP Glen, I will miss you every day until I see you again.

Glen left us on April 18th, at 5AM in the arms of his brother Bryan. The wake was 2 days later.

My greatest loves are my children

This sums up our spring photo shoot. Charlotte is expressing her mother's feelings as well. I hate crap like that, hate feeling forced into situations and my daughter is definitely my child.

My children drive me insane on a daily basis. I love no others in life the way I love my children (with exception of my parents). Yes, I love their father....I may not like him a lot most days but I do love him.

I am tired, very tired. I don't have a lot to say these days. Just trying to keep my babies happy, fed and clothed.

We should've stayed in LA

My feelings are extremely hurt right now and if anyone takes this personally, I really don't freaking care. I feel more alone here than I did in Los Angeles. My "friends" who "missed me SO much" don't really seem to give a shit that I'm back. I guess that means I was more appealing when I was 3,500 miles away. Whatever. I get that people have lives and shit comes up but you know what? If you don't want to come over then just say it. I'm a big girl (literally), I can take it. Also, being blown off for people who are in their 20's is just sad and annoying. Inside jokes are stupid and childish. I'm pushing 40 for Christ sake, reading "blah blah right?" on someones Facebook is STUPID. Then texting me on "what you should've said was..." makes me madder. Oh I'm sorry I'm not encouraging you to act like you're 20, PARDON ME! Telling me that my attitude is "old"....is PICKING A FIGHT WITH ME!!! You know what's old? YOUR CASE OF ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT!!

Als0, guess what? Glen is going to die ANY FREAKING MINUTE and I am heartbroken so excuse me for not being in a happy damned mood for you people! I'm sorry I miss him already, I'm sorry that I hear him giggling like a girl when I say Simpson's lines and it makes me cry, I'm sorry I have memories of when we worked together and we'd hang out in the middle of the night on our nights off and drink coffee and laugh at stupid crap and make up silly things, I'm sorry my love for him is getting in the way of your stupid ass good time! I'm sorry I'm handling losing him differently than you are. I'm not YOU! I don't demand you handle grief differently so don't you dare expect me to either.

Bottom line, I'm sorry we came back here. I feel more alone here than I did in Los Angeles. The only people who seems to give a crap about me are my parents and I don't have a right to demand they hang out with me to help me with my sanity. They have lives too, I'm realistic. At least they don't blow me off though. Is this the correct form for me to say my peace? Probably not. I'm extremely upset and was hoping to maybe have one friend to be with here....guess that was to much to ask.

I'm angry

Nothing says "I will CUT you" like this look my daughter is giving in this photo to her father for being in her way when she's trying to eat and watch Blues Clues.

I'm angry. Now Glen has pneumonia on top of cancer which means they had to stop chemo. Chemo is what he feels is keeping him alive. I think his will is what is doing it but you don't argue with a dying Irishman...EVER.

You know what? I'm to pissed off to really post anymore without going on rants that people will try and take personally and that's not my intention.

FUCK CANCER

One of my dearest friends has cancer, he's going to die soon. It's not right. He came over yesterday to visit and spend time with the kids. Watching his face light up when they laughed almost killed me. He won't have children, he won't get married, he won't live another year and it's not fair. He will be leaving behind his parents and 2 older brothers. I have known this family for most of my life. His middle brother Bryan was at one time, my best friend. He dumped all his friends for a junkie girlfriend. He was also here yesterday and I wanted to hold him down, shave his head and repeatedly punch him in the face. I have a lot of anger towards him in this situation. I don't think he really realizes he's going to lose his little brother. I'm sure he's dealing with this in his own weird twisted way. Who knows. What I do know is that cancer is the cruelest, most evil thing on the planet....after Republicans. Sorry, had to put that in there.

I love my friend Glen, he's like a brother to me. I think I am gearing up emotionally for his departure. I want God to grant him peace. I don't want him in pain. He's trying so hard to have the best time he can with what time he has left. He's an inspiration to all around him.

FUCK YOU CANCER

Things feel weird

I hate this teething stage.....why can't my kids be like some others who just wake up and it's like "oh look you have teeth?" Mine drool and chew things like rats, whine and cry and make the world miserable along with them.

On top of this, daylight savings is fucking us all. My cat is gone and the other cat is just acting weird now. She was weird before but she's gotten worse. She won't come to bed and I can't sleep without a kitty above my head.

I probably have more to go on about but to be honest, with Bean gone, I'm beyond depressed. My mom will probably have Charlie cat put down this week too. He's almost 17 and has kidney disease and arthritis. It's all to much to think on. Why do we keep putting ourselves though this?