See you later dignity, it was nice knowing you

What an interesting couple of months. Well, it appears that all the feeding and speech issues I've had with my son for almost 2 years has been because,.......he's TONGUE TIED! Really? Well, he had surgery the other day to correct this. Now, excuse me if I am wrong but should this not have been noticed when he was BORN? Like when he couldnt latch and they kept telling me how inadequate I was as a mother and my son was not able to eat and because jaundice the following day because he was freaking starving?! Almost 2 god damned years we've been going through hell trying to help him eat and it's been because his poor tongue was SO tight to the bottom of his mouth he was not able to MOVE IT?! Honestly? I want to sue someone over this. I'm not kidding. I signed something in the hospital when they were born stating that I was giving up any sign of being a real woman and bottle feeding my babies.....yes, Kaiser Permanente made me sign something saying these things so my children wouldnt starve. The lactation nurse didnt think maybe, just MAYBE there was something wrong with John's tongue and thats why he couldnt eat? I'm beyond angry, they humiliated me! They put me in therapy over this! I can't even look at my breasts without thinking "big damn loser, ugly loser, you're not a real woman, you couldnt even feed your babies!"

So my baby boy had his tongue surgery the other day, it was probably more traumatizing for me than for him. He's fine. He was back running laps through the house by noon the same day. We've all been sick with a weird cold, I've had it the longest. Probably because I share food with the kids and kisses and they wipe their mouths and noses all over me.....the things I do for love.

Today is my 6th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, I went out and sold what was left of my jewelry (other than my engagement ring) so help pay the rent and feed our kids. I officially have nothing to leave my daughter when I leave this earth. It was that or go find a street corner and hope someone is looking for a good time with a fatty. Not likely. I feel like the worlds biggest loser because of this. I sold the 1 item I said I would never sell. It hurt, badly. I keep finding myself weeping over it. I know it's just "stuff" but you know what? I paid a fuckload of money for this stuff 12 years ago and got about 10% back of what it costs me originally, that shit hurts.

Considering that lack of empathy regarding this, it hurts even more. I officially have nothing left.

So that's my tale of woe for today. I'm a big fat loser....nothing new there.

Probaby a good thing I'm medicated.

It's probably a good thing that I'm medicated for my depression and anxiety. If I wasnt, I'm not sure how I would be coping right now. It's pretty fucking sad when you only have $40 in your bank account and need groceries and diapers for your kids. My brain hurts....really hurts....I'm doing all I can to sell any unnecessary baby stuff that we have laying around here like the pack and play, their infant seats, old clothes...etc. Last month I broke down and sold jewelry. That fucking hurt. I didnt even get half of what I originally paid back in 99. I don't dare say anything to my mom about it, they're having enough problems on their own without having to listen to my whining.

Sorry, just having a pity party for myself today. The birth to 3 people were here to work with the twins today. I had a slight breakdown when Amy asked me if I was OK. I felt like such a loser. So overwhelmed with them lately, especially with their eating quirks. Charlotte is still refusing to feed herself and eats almost nothing and John won't just take a bite of something and chew and swallow, he futzes with it and ends up mainly wearing it or chucking it on the floor.....I feed them 365 days 3 times a day and when I ask the other parent to feed them on weekends, it still ends up being me...needless to say, I'm not going to ask anymore.

Again, I apologize for being a downer and don't expect anyone to give a crap, just venting.

Let's see

So let's see how fast I can pound out a post before Charlotte completely decides not to nap or John needs to wake up since he's been out for almost 3 hours now. Well, to start things, my dad's cancer was caught at stage 2 and at the moment, he has NO cancer. It's SUCH a relief. They said since it popped up out of nowhere, it can come back just as fast but he has no signs of it right now.

Charlotte has decided she no longer likes to take her nap. She fights it every singe day and it drives me completely insane. Yeah I'm zoning on Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and it keeps sucking me back in.

Shit, I have like a million things to bitch about all the time and then I get 20 seconds to post and it's gone.......I hate my brain.

Cancer....again

My father has kidney cancer.

Mother's day means nothing in this house

So mothers day is this weekend...looks like it's just me and the twins. His majesty is going to drive to VA to visit his "friend" on his birthday. Not a milestone birthday...just a birthday....and this friend can't be bothered to drive HERE even though we've been back since SEPTEMBER OF 2010!.... On top of this total disrespectful horseshit, my dad is in the ER at the moment. They think it's kidney stones. I honestly hope it's something that simple. The radiation from his prostate cancer has done a number on him and he keeps having issues. I really can't lose my dad right now.

I already don't feel like I have a man who loves and respects me at home, my dad is the only one left who does.

You know what, screw it, I'm unleashing. I have no intention of getting divorced.....but if I am going to be treated with not ONE shred of respect, then I am going to treat him the same way. I went through freaking HELL getting pregnant and carrying them, for HIM...he wanted these kids SO badly and ever since they've been here, he's gone out of his way to make me feel like a complete asshole for having them. I'm so SORRY I don't shit money out of my asshole and that he has to work to support them. SO SORRY I want their father to pay attention to them, so SORRY I expect their father to watch them so I can go to the bathroom or run to CVS...so SORRY my expectations are so UNREASONABLE!....So SORRY I have been suffering from PPD since they've been born and I'm not properly medicated...and I'm so SORRY that I'm so depressed that I am eating myself to DEATH because of it. The only things stopping me from swallowing a shotgun are these babies who need at least ONE parent to love them and pay attention to them and kiss and hug them, feed them, make sure they don't swallow things they shouldnt be chewing on (John eats lint now, it's very annoying). I'm not sorry I had them, I adore them and would kill anyone who tried to harm them or even looked at them the wrong way. I'm just sorry that I knew this was going to be the outcome all along.

RIP Glen

RIP Glen, I will miss you every day until I see you again.

Glen left us on April 18th, at 5AM in the arms of his brother Bryan. The wake was 2 days later.

My greatest loves are my children

This sums up our spring photo shoot. Charlotte is expressing her mother's feelings as well. I hate crap like that, hate feeling forced into situations and my daughter is definitely my child.

My children drive me insane on a daily basis. I love no others in life the way I love my children (with exception of my parents). Yes, I love their father....I may not like him a lot most days but I do love him.

I am tired, very tired. I don't have a lot to say these days. Just trying to keep my babies happy, fed and clothed.