Now with 2 kids with Autism Spectrum!....Christ.

So my son was diagnosed a few weeks ago and is also on the spectrum with his sister.  So, here I am, at home, with 2 special needs children. You know what's really fucking hard? BEING ME! Thankfully, they are both getting in home therapy till their 3rd birthday which is right around the corner.  This is a true blessing and I cannot be more grateful for this. I think these 2 are brilliant in their own ways.  I'm still waiting for Charlotte to start really eating.  She's made a little progress and is back on a little jarred food but will still not chew and swallow anything that's not pureed.  John on the other hand is a food hound, but, I am getting concerned that he's going to be a carb loader.  That's pretty common with kids on the spectrum.  Luckily he's a string bean but he eats like every 20 minutes. It's not easy keeping up with  that demand.

Other than being with them 24/7, and I mean 24/7 since John has been sleeping with us since January and Charlotte has to fall asleep on the couch with me and then if I don't pass out also, I then scoop her up and put her in her crib.  Then climb into bed with daddy and the boy.....I havent had a peaceful nights sleep in months.

I wonder if there are any mothers out there who are having similar difficulties?  I don't wish it upon anyone for sure.

Well it's Friday the 13th......something fucked up should happen to me any time now....not that it already hasnt.

Wow...gee thanks CT for this whopping $26 a month to feed my family

Yeah so it's been a while. Things are still not great. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble on that.

Charlotte is finally receiving the services she needs to help with her ASD. We now have professionals come in almost all week to work with the kids. It is truly a blessing and I will not complain about that. What I will complain about is the fact that it took the Attorney Generals office to get Social Services to freaking answer me about food assistance! Unreal. So we were approved.....wow, $26 a month.....yeah a MONTH. Now, in other countries you very well can feed a family of 4 on $26 a month. In America? Hell to the no. Not happening. Also, because Charlotte has completely stopped eating solid food, she's been on Pediasure since November. My child refuses to eat solid food. Well, if you're Social Services, I guess you can say "well that's more of the $26 for the rest of you!".... You bet your sweet ass I am going to fight this.

Now for anyone new to my blog, I am sure you are saying to yourself "Jesus Nora, get off your ass and get a job so you can support your family!"....well, I have 1 child with a disability and another with special needs and you want me to just dump them off somewhere while I go back to work? Where exactly would that be? No, please tell me. We cannot afford childcare and if I go back to work full time, all that money will go to pay childcare thus leaving us in the exact situation we are in now. We have gotten rid of 1 car and I am in the house 24/7 with the twins. Should I go jog to an interview? Granted, that would shed some pounds for sure. Then again, living off $26 a month for food will surely help us all lose some weight around here.

Wow, things really are crap. I am saying this with somewhat of a smirk on my face only because I am heavily medicated on antidepressants to help keep me going without completely losing my shit. Thanks Ativan and Cymbalta, appreciate the support.

My dad is losing his job so their aid to our family is coming to a close also. I guess I should focus on the positive like the fact that we had no snow so we didnt freeze to death?!...yes that's a happy thought. What else?.....I think that's about it right now.

I'd love to blog about Hollywood or politics but honestly I am mommy 24/7 so the only TV I see is Blues Clues, Yo Gabba Gabba, Sesame Street and the Wiggles...it's probably for the best I don't see what's up in the "real world".

2012 sucks.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

So to end a shitty year, my baby girl was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I can't say I'm shocked to be honest. Not with the fits, tantrums, meltdowns anytime things are different, the fact that she won't eat toast unless I make it, or drink a bottle unless I hand it to her. I may not be shocked, but I am still heartbroken. I love how they came into my home, tested her, gave me the diagnosis and then left. That was it. No real discussion with me about it, just left.

I didnt think I could feel more alone with things, then they told me that. So now what am I supposed to do? She melts down and her poor brother just looks at her like "momma what did I do? why is she crying?" Every day here is heartbreaking for me. Not only with what is going on with the kids but with the overall depression I have in general already.

I can't explain it. No matter the therapy, no matter the medication, I have a complete hatred for myself. I can barely look in a mirror without wanting to throw up. People say "you should look at yourself the way your babies look at you." I don't know how to do that. Do you think I want to feel this way or look this way? No, I don't. I should go to a gym you say? Really? You going to pay for the membership and childcare while I do that? Didnt think so. I wish it was this easy.



So that's it. I love my babies, I hate myself. The end.

Being poor really fucking sucks

I can't afford to feed my children. I can't afford oil to heat my house. I have never been in this type of situation. I have applied for food assistance over a month ago and still no word, I am going to apply for heating assistance next week. Before you judge me and say 'get a job lazy bitch" guess what? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO! I'm not a stuck up jerk who thinks retail is "below me", believe me, I'm applying everywhere! No one is calling. My husband is working his ass off and we are months behind in payments. We can't afford to move and can barely afford our rent. We are pretty much screwed.

Both kids recently had surgery and Charlotte is going to undergo autism testing next week. I had my anxiety meds changed and increased.

These are really crappy times we are living in, totally crappy.

2 year olds are the terrible

As I sit here typing this, this sweet little face you see on your left is having a titanic meltdown, kicking & screaming her ever loving brains out. Why? I assume it's because she forced herself to stay up all day and finally passed out on the couch around 4 and woke up an hour later, thus pissing her off because she's overtired. There are no tears. Just loads of kicking and screaming. This is what I deal with at least 5-10 times a day. 24/7. She just purposely banged her head on the kitchen floor. Her brother, mellow dude that he is, is laying in the papasan chair, he was sleeping, her screaming woke him up. He is ignoring her, like his mama is. I did put her in time out twice for kicking me. She's sweating now from all this. I swear I do not understand this child at all. She was born with a crap temper but the second she turned 2, it's been complete and total hell. Now she's rolled completely to the front door. Her goal is to get me to come get her. Fuck that shit. I suppose she's also torturing me because she saw the ENT this morning and her tongue tie clipping is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. Yes, Kaiser failed my other child too.

Well, I was going to bitch about the fucked up October snow storm that wiped out our electricity for a freaking week but her screaming is pissing me off now.

It's going to snow....SNOW?! In October??

It's going to snow tomorrow. Snow...in October. Why is this shit happening? I hate bloody snow. I'm already stuck in the house enough as it is, but when it snows that means I am officially a prisoner in my own home. PISSED about this.

Charlotte is going to see the ENT on Wednesday to see if she needs her tongue clipped like her brother just had done. I'm still so angry at fucking Kaiser Permanente it's not even funny. 2 years of this crap, they can't speak, barely eat and are in speech therapy twice a week. All couldve been avoided had a lactation nurse LOOKED in their mouths instead of poking and pinching me and telling me things were wrong with ME and that's why my babies couldnt latch properly. Fucking assholes.

New subject. Snooki is writing a book.......oh I'm sorry, a SECOND book...*sigh* is Kim Kardashian going to be writing and directing movies soon?...I mean movies where she doesnt end them with "Oh baby cum on my face!" God I hate these people so very much. No talent, wastes of flesh that offer nothing to their communities other than ignorance and filth. Lord I sound like an uppity old woman...well, I guess I am. I hate, let me rephrase, I LOATHE who and what is considered "cool and hip" in this country. You wonder why other countries hate us so much? No, not because of our choices of politicians (Well Bush yes but no other), they hate us because they think everyone in this country is like Snooki and a Kardashian! It's a fucking joke!

I'm going to go back to my sad little world of watching Yo Gabba Gabba with my kids, at least they learn real lessons from The Gabba gang. Like don't bite your friends and share and you should always try new foods, you may like it!

Peace

Anxiety disorders SUCK

Hi, I have anxiety attacks. They show up when they want. There is no rhyme or reason as to why and they SUCK. Today my twins turn 2 years old. I am just sitting here watching Jack's Big Music Show with them and futzing around on the computer, reading The Superficial and WHAMO! My brain goes blank, my tongue starts to feel swollen and my chest tightens for a second, then my brain feels a little fuzzy and I have to get all weird and say out loud "YOU'RE FINE CUT IT OUT!"...now I have to take an anti anxiety medication. This is ridiculous. All I want to do is focus on what i need to do for the party tomorrow, not sit here and focus on my stupid ass brain!!

I wasn't always like this. I actually never had a panic attack until we decided to move back to CT. They just showed up and have not gone away since.

I'm going to change the subject because I spotted a story online that pissed me off. Now, as we all know there's that Prop 8 in CA that the Mormons (morons) made sure didnt pass because they hate the gays. I love how they act like marriage is this sanctimonious thing. KIM KARDASHIAN WORE WHITE!!!! Marriage means NOTHING in this country!! It's a pathetic game. Who the hell are we to say who can and cannot get married when it's nothing but a game show? How dare anyone say that gays can't marry. I happen to have more than 1 family member that is gay and guess what? They love like anyone else. If you hate the gays, FUCK YOU!

Now for a youtube from my buddy Chuck on the subject


Peace out.