Autism Spectrum Disorder

So to end a shitty year, my baby girl was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I can't say I'm shocked to be honest. Not with the fits, tantrums, meltdowns anytime things are different, the fact that she won't eat toast unless I make it, or drink a bottle unless I hand it to her. I may not be shocked, but I am still heartbroken. I love how they came into my home, tested her, gave me the diagnosis and then left. That was it. No real discussion with me about it, just left.

I didnt think I could feel more alone with things, then they told me that. So now what am I supposed to do? She melts down and her poor brother just looks at her like "momma what did I do? why is she crying?" Every day here is heartbreaking for me. Not only with what is going on with the kids but with the overall depression I have in general already.

I can't explain it. No matter the therapy, no matter the medication, I have a complete hatred for myself. I can barely look in a mirror without wanting to throw up. People say "you should look at yourself the way your babies look at you." I don't know how to do that. Do you think I want to feel this way or look this way? No, I don't. I should go to a gym you say? Really? You going to pay for the membership and childcare while I do that? Didnt think so. I wish it was this easy.



So that's it. I love my babies, I hate myself. The end.

Being poor really fucking sucks

I can't afford to feed my children. I can't afford oil to heat my house. I have never been in this type of situation. I have applied for food assistance over a month ago and still no word, I am going to apply for heating assistance next week. Before you judge me and say 'get a job lazy bitch" guess what? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO! I'm not a stuck up jerk who thinks retail is "below me", believe me, I'm applying everywhere! No one is calling. My husband is working his ass off and we are months behind in payments. We can't afford to move and can barely afford our rent. We are pretty much screwed.

Both kids recently had surgery and Charlotte is going to undergo autism testing next week. I had my anxiety meds changed and increased.

These are really crappy times we are living in, totally crappy.

2 year olds are the terrible

As I sit here typing this, this sweet little face you see on your left is having a titanic meltdown, kicking & screaming her ever loving brains out. Why? I assume it's because she forced herself to stay up all day and finally passed out on the couch around 4 and woke up an hour later, thus pissing her off because she's overtired. There are no tears. Just loads of kicking and screaming. This is what I deal with at least 5-10 times a day. 24/7. She just purposely banged her head on the kitchen floor. Her brother, mellow dude that he is, is laying in the papasan chair, he was sleeping, her screaming woke him up. He is ignoring her, like his mama is. I did put her in time out twice for kicking me. She's sweating now from all this. I swear I do not understand this child at all. She was born with a crap temper but the second she turned 2, it's been complete and total hell. Now she's rolled completely to the front door. Her goal is to get me to come get her. Fuck that shit. I suppose she's also torturing me because she saw the ENT this morning and her tongue tie clipping is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. Yes, Kaiser failed my other child too.

Well, I was going to bitch about the fucked up October snow storm that wiped out our electricity for a freaking week but her screaming is pissing me off now.

It's going to snow....SNOW?! In October??

It's going to snow tomorrow. Snow...in October. Why is this shit happening? I hate bloody snow. I'm already stuck in the house enough as it is, but when it snows that means I am officially a prisoner in my own home. PISSED about this.

Charlotte is going to see the ENT on Wednesday to see if she needs her tongue clipped like her brother just had done. I'm still so angry at fucking Kaiser Permanente it's not even funny. 2 years of this crap, they can't speak, barely eat and are in speech therapy twice a week. All couldve been avoided had a lactation nurse LOOKED in their mouths instead of poking and pinching me and telling me things were wrong with ME and that's why my babies couldnt latch properly. Fucking assholes.

New subject. Snooki is writing a book.......oh I'm sorry, a SECOND book...*sigh* is Kim Kardashian going to be writing and directing movies soon?...I mean movies where she doesnt end them with "Oh baby cum on my face!" God I hate these people so very much. No talent, wastes of flesh that offer nothing to their communities other than ignorance and filth. Lord I sound like an uppity old woman...well, I guess I am. I hate, let me rephrase, I LOATHE who and what is considered "cool and hip" in this country. You wonder why other countries hate us so much? No, not because of our choices of politicians (Well Bush yes but no other), they hate us because they think everyone in this country is like Snooki and a Kardashian! It's a fucking joke!

I'm going to go back to my sad little world of watching Yo Gabba Gabba with my kids, at least they learn real lessons from The Gabba gang. Like don't bite your friends and share and you should always try new foods, you may like it!

Peace

Anxiety disorders SUCK

Hi, I have anxiety attacks. They show up when they want. There is no rhyme or reason as to why and they SUCK. Today my twins turn 2 years old. I am just sitting here watching Jack's Big Music Show with them and futzing around on the computer, reading The Superficial and WHAMO! My brain goes blank, my tongue starts to feel swollen and my chest tightens for a second, then my brain feels a little fuzzy and I have to get all weird and say out loud "YOU'RE FINE CUT IT OUT!"...now I have to take an anti anxiety medication. This is ridiculous. All I want to do is focus on what i need to do for the party tomorrow, not sit here and focus on my stupid ass brain!!

I wasn't always like this. I actually never had a panic attack until we decided to move back to CT. They just showed up and have not gone away since.

I'm going to change the subject because I spotted a story online that pissed me off. Now, as we all know there's that Prop 8 in CA that the Mormons (morons) made sure didnt pass because they hate the gays. I love how they act like marriage is this sanctimonious thing. KIM KARDASHIAN WORE WHITE!!!! Marriage means NOTHING in this country!! It's a pathetic game. Who the hell are we to say who can and cannot get married when it's nothing but a game show? How dare anyone say that gays can't marry. I happen to have more than 1 family member that is gay and guess what? They love like anyone else. If you hate the gays, FUCK YOU!

Now for a youtube from my buddy Chuck on the subject


Peace out.

See you later dignity, it was nice knowing you

What an interesting couple of months. Well, it appears that all the feeding and speech issues I've had with my son for almost 2 years has been because,.......he's TONGUE TIED! Really? Well, he had surgery the other day to correct this. Now, excuse me if I am wrong but should this not have been noticed when he was BORN? Like when he couldnt latch and they kept telling me how inadequate I was as a mother and my son was not able to eat and because jaundice the following day because he was freaking starving?! Almost 2 god damned years we've been going through hell trying to help him eat and it's been because his poor tongue was SO tight to the bottom of his mouth he was not able to MOVE IT?! Honestly? I want to sue someone over this. I'm not kidding. I signed something in the hospital when they were born stating that I was giving up any sign of being a real woman and bottle feeding my babies.....yes, Kaiser Permanente made me sign something saying these things so my children wouldnt starve. The lactation nurse didnt think maybe, just MAYBE there was something wrong with John's tongue and thats why he couldnt eat? I'm beyond angry, they humiliated me! They put me in therapy over this! I can't even look at my breasts without thinking "big damn loser, ugly loser, you're not a real woman, you couldnt even feed your babies!"

So my baby boy had his tongue surgery the other day, it was probably more traumatizing for me than for him. He's fine. He was back running laps through the house by noon the same day. We've all been sick with a weird cold, I've had it the longest. Probably because I share food with the kids and kisses and they wipe their mouths and noses all over me.....the things I do for love.

Today is my 6th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, I went out and sold what was left of my jewelry (other than my engagement ring) so help pay the rent and feed our kids. I officially have nothing to leave my daughter when I leave this earth. It was that or go find a street corner and hope someone is looking for a good time with a fatty. Not likely. I feel like the worlds biggest loser because of this. I sold the 1 item I said I would never sell. It hurt, badly. I keep finding myself weeping over it. I know it's just "stuff" but you know what? I paid a fuckload of money for this stuff 12 years ago and got about 10% back of what it costs me originally, that shit hurts.

Considering that lack of empathy regarding this, it hurts even more. I officially have nothing left.

So that's my tale of woe for today. I'm a big fat loser....nothing new there.

Probaby a good thing I'm medicated.

It's probably a good thing that I'm medicated for my depression and anxiety. If I wasnt, I'm not sure how I would be coping right now. It's pretty fucking sad when you only have $40 in your bank account and need groceries and diapers for your kids. My brain hurts....really hurts....I'm doing all I can to sell any unnecessary baby stuff that we have laying around here like the pack and play, their infant seats, old clothes...etc. Last month I broke down and sold jewelry. That fucking hurt. I didnt even get half of what I originally paid back in 99. I don't dare say anything to my mom about it, they're having enough problems on their own without having to listen to my whining.

Sorry, just having a pity party for myself today. The birth to 3 people were here to work with the twins today. I had a slight breakdown when Amy asked me if I was OK. I felt like such a loser. So overwhelmed with them lately, especially with their eating quirks. Charlotte is still refusing to feed herself and eats almost nothing and John won't just take a bite of something and chew and swallow, he futzes with it and ends up mainly wearing it or chucking it on the floor.....I feed them 365 days 3 times a day and when I ask the other parent to feed them on weekends, it still ends up being me...needless to say, I'm not going to ask anymore.

Again, I apologize for being a downer and don't expect anyone to give a crap, just venting.