Being fat causes headaches...really Today Show?

I haven't had a headache in a while now and I am a giant fat ass. So up yours Today Show! I am sick of "being overweight is the reason for EVERYTHING!" that they spout pretty much everyday. Dr. Joy has to weigh a whopping 62 lbs total. Good for her. Is she going to show up at my house and tell me how to eat? How to cook for my husband when I have 2 teething babies to deal with on my own all day? He's blessed and happy if I remember to put a pre-made lasagna in the oven before he gets home!! Do I wish we were uber active and eating healthy and not clinically overweight? OF COURSE! I love watching the Today Show but it loves to make me feel bad about myself almost daily. I am obsessed with the "experts" they find on this show. Most of these people don't have a freaking clue or they state the obvious.

Going to see my doc on Monday about the horrendous pain I'm having in my hips and thighs and to see what he'll say about me having panic attacks. I'm sure he'll tell me to eat right and exercise. Well, the panic attacks like to happen once I leave the house to take the babies for walks. Hence the walking coming to a complete halt. Well, me leaving the house has taken a halt unless it's with Barry or I'm meeting someone. I'm having issues taking them out by myself. Mainly because I'm terrified someone is going to try and hurt me to take them. Yes, I am convinced of this. Barry keeps telling me I'm nuts...and then it happened to a woman the other day, locally. Some nutjob woman attacked her to try and take her baby. She only has 1 baby, I have 2. How do I protect them both on my own? Yes, I am officially afraid of the outside world. Never thought it would happen but it did. Now what?

Onto something else....totally random. I really dislike people who chew gum. I think it's a gross as hell looking habit. It's just nasty. Watching Kathie Lee and Hoda and Cassidy (Kathie Lee's kid) is visiting and she's smacking gum and it looks classless. Just gross. They're going on about things men dislike, like Ugg boots and over sized sunglasses on women. Really? Fuck them. We dislike wife beater t-shirts, mullets, cheap behaviors and when they wear pants around their ankles so suck it jerks. I love my Uggs, they're comfy and I love my over sized sunglasses, they're cute and I get lots of compliments on them...from women of course but an occasional gay man will comment.

So the babies are napping. Both are teething and miserable. John is particularly unhappy. He's very clingy and whiny and likes to break my heart 24/7 and make me hella angry at the same time. He has a new thing. If he's on my lap facing away from me and I lean in, he grabs my hair and twists himself around to plant a wet sloppy kiss on whatever part of my face he can get. It's adorable and gross at the same time. Charlotte is going to be up and running any time now, I can feel it. She scares me with her energy and determination. Her main determination is to get Monkey, she is SO in love with that poor cat.

Well, things to do.

Shut the hell up celebrity chicks who "lost weight"

OK so Mellisa Joan Hart is on Hoda and Kathie Lee spouting crap, and what annoys me is her losing 42 lbs. Hey guess what Melissa, if the rest of us had the cash for a trainer and chef, we'd ALL BE THIN!!! Shut the F UP!! I am sick to death of these celebs with their "I am so awesome because I lost such and such amount of weight"...like now we have Jennifer Hudson who lost weight...great...she had a TRAINER!!! Or Sara Rue (No one remembers who the hell she is but when she was heavy that was her appeal) They never, EVER give that info out, you have to dig online to find out about that, or hear them babbling on talk shows after someone tells them how "brave" they were to not be fat and human anymore. SUCK IT! I'm sick of it. Also, Melissa, stop talking about celebs you clearly know nothing about. You talk of Sarah Michelle Geller and Jennifer Love Hewitt having "husbands and families"....Well, you got 1 right. The other, well, I guess you don't watch TV or read the papers...J Love is SINGLE and has been for a while now. Babbling idiot. So getting back to my main point, we'd all be thinner if we all had the income to pay a trainer to keep us motivated. Well, I don't have a trainer but my kids are my motivation and I intend to get healthier. I have slobbed on way to much weight and my entire body is in constant pain because of it. I don't want to leave my babies without a momma because I was to lazy to do something about it.

I am depressed. My mom is leaving tomorrow morning. I've had help with the babies now for a good month so tomorrow its back to just me. Then Thursday the babies get their 6 month shots. At least daddy will be home for that and Uncle Dave is coming to visit for a couple days. So I get 1 day to suffer, then 4 with daddy and then back to me 24/7. *sigh*. I can't wait till we move. I need to be near my folks and friends so I have places to go with the babies.

Crap, I need to contact my PCP to get a referral to a foot doc, still can't fix my toe, need a professionals help...double sigh.

Impending crib doom..and my rant about "sex addiction"

AHHHHHHHHHHHH Look at my beautiful son!! He's so cute and lovable and kissy and sweet and my god I love him so. I love his sister too but she's officially on my shit list. She is now at the point where she wants no one but me, 24/7. Even her poor daddy can't get up in the middle of the night and soothe her. This is beyond draining for me. I am exhausted. I probably blogged about this days ago but honestly, I don't remember. I am brain dead. I am like a ticking time bomb, my temper is on overload, my frustration level is about 10000%. I am SO grateful that my mom is here visiting so at least she can help with JD while Teenie is on some sort of cracked out emotional roller coaster. On top of her, we're going to be doing crib training this weekend. I am SO grateful that I'm not a member of the NRA because I'd be likely to be blowing my brains out. Shit. I'm so tired.

Well, let's see what's going on the in the world that makes me sick today shall we?...Tiger Woods new Nike ad... Oh piss the hell off with that garbage. Him standing there looking all hang dog like, makes me want to slap him dead in the face. I was and still am amused by whomever paid the plane dude to fly with the banners bashing him. Well what the hell? Havent we had enough of this asshat? Now we have to deal with this Jesse James crap?? I am heartbroken for Sandra Bullock, that guy needs to be neutered. I knew it was going to be like a day before he pulled the "sex addict" shenanigans like Tiger boy there. The ole Tiger defense....BALLS! Fucker left "rehab" after like 2 days. Was probably tossed out for trying to stick it in a patient. Scumbag. What kills me is that these men have NO regard for their own children. SICKENING. Stick that dick wherever they can, regardless of how it affects their families, selfish, disgusting bastards. I feel so badly for the kids. I feel terrible for the wives for sure but my god, it just messes with these kids and what does it teach them? Well, if we keep on with this whole "sex addict" horseshit, it teaches them, especially the boys that it's OK because it's an "illness" and NO NO NO!! UGH I hate people so very much. My kids are not going to be fooled by bullshit, not if I have anything to do with it. They will see the world as it is in their momma's eyes. What's right and what is wrong and the consequences of doing wrong in life and to others. No justifying BS like what the rest of the world is doing, makes me sick.

What else? Oh yeah, Kathie Lee, leave Hoda ALONE, I am sick of her little childish potshots every day. OK you are jealous of Hoda, we ALL GET IT, but grow up woman. Please. It makes me dislike you sometimes and I don't want to dislike you. You are all about respecting people but you're very disrespectful towards Miss Hoda and I don't like it. I bet a lot of people don't like it. Hoda for one. She's mature enough not to slap you silly. I wouldn't be so kind if I sat there taking your crap every day. Get over it.

Well, I am starving so off to find some lunch. Enjoy your weekend and pray for us all to get some sleep and that my kids don't have complete mental breakdowns from sleeping in their cribs.

Who has 2 thumbs and doesnt give a shit that Corey Haim died?

Me! My god I hate the media and I loathe Hollywood even more. No one with possibly the exception of his mother and Corey Feldman gives a shit that Corey Haim died! If he'd died from natural causes or cancer or something then I'd feel bad but he was a junkie and it was because of his addiction that he died. Case closed, move on please. So sick of "flu like symptoms" COME ON! He was on freaking drugs that had nothing to do with the flu! UGH!!! Nyquil certainly didnt kill him, unless he drank 70 gallons of it.

Moving on, that was my morning rant but I feel another one brewing. Also today, Miss Charlotte has decided she is not going to sleep for more than 4 hours at a clip at night. I damn near had a nervous breakdown at 4AM. Mommy is TIRED.

Ok onto rant #2. Lindsay Lohan, PISS OFF WITH YOUR FRIVOLOUS LAW SUIT! Seriously? I mean SERIOUSLY? You think you're the only one with that horrible name? You are not Madonna, Cher or even Hoda so shut your hole! It's not all about YOU, it never was and never will be! No one in the world associated your horriblness with that commercial and anyone who says they did is a liar! Etrade needs to sue her lawyer and make them pay billions to the courts for even bringing this up, it's sad and pathetic and again, I will say to the media, STOP FEEDING INTO THIS! STOP REPORTING THESE STORIES! If they don't report them, then they'll GO AWAY!

Ok need to calm down and wait for a baby to wake up so we can get ready for a formula run.

No I am not the writer in this family

Well, I'm not the accomplished writer in this house but since my husband is "busy", I'll start this little venture.

Hi....I'm Nora and I have fraternal twin 3 month olds, John and Charlotte (aka "JD" and "Teenie"). My beautiful children were born in October and have been the center of my world from day 1. This blog will be an ongoing chronicle of their "firsts" and seconds and my daily bitchy ramblings on other various subjects that pop into my stay at home noggin which means all sorts of stuff that means nothing to anyone but me really. I guess I should give a little info about me. I'm 35 soon to be 36 and recently left my job of 7 years to stay home with my babies and have been married to my husband Barry for almost 5 years, I'm overweight and suffer from postpartum too and yeah, I'll probably go into all that later on.... So there you have it....and here I will begin on my first complaint of the day.

The Grammys....specifically the Michael Jackson "Tribute". WTF was that crap? Why was it in 3D? Does the entire country have 3D glasses just sitting around in their homes? Lord knows I don't and it was just plain stupid! Out of all the good MJ songs they chose that one? BLAH!!!! It was so horrible it made Teenie cry! Also, I'm sorry but those kids are NOT HIS blood, HELLO? Anyone ever actually look at them? COME ON! That poor boy looks like a drug addict in waiting. I'm sure that's a really mean thing for me to say but are you seriously telling me those kids are going to have "normal" lives after how they've been raised? Hell no, it's going to take eons of therapy and medication to help them adjust to normal lives. They really should go to homes OTHER than anyone with the last name Jackson. Joe Jackson is just waiting to turn them into little money making machines for him so he can roll around in the cash. Someone needs to get them away from him before he damages them like he did his own children.

Moving on....Jenna Bush Hager PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop reporting on the Today Show. You even make Matt Lauer uncomfortable. You look like a deer caught in headlights and your voice is shaky. Just because your father was President (not by my votes EVER) does not entitle you to ruin my morning show. Please stop it. On the plus side, Hoda is back today, YAY! Other than Kristen Chenoweth (love her) with Kathie Lee last week, it was lame.

Oh good, Teenie just passed some gas, hopefully she pooped. She's been making that face all morning, all parents know the face, all red and the eyes get huge and there's grunting involved. Yes, I'm going to be discussing the twins "bowel movements". It's what new parents do. It's sad and pathetic and I am fully aware that the main discussion I have with my husband revolves around poop....the color, the amount, texture, and so forth.... its not far from when I used to work full time and we'd talk about poop in the office....yes, we really did. Probably more so than I do now. How I miss those guys.

The twins are also both teething which SUCKS. It's early for teething too which is even worse. They do not yet possess the motor skills to hold something and chew it so there's a lot of discomfort, mainly for the boy. He's handling this worse than his sister who chews her fingers and drools. Apparently Baby Orajel tastes like complete shit because the reaction I get from John is rather like if you shoved a giant piece of poop in your mouth, lots of gagging and screaming and now that happens just as I pick up the TUBE! Drama anyone? Tylenol seems to work too thankfully.

Well so far today I have sheets in the wash and I was able to shower, this proves that the day was indeed productive for me. That may seem pathetic and sad in your opinion but it's a damn accomplishment in my book. Hopefully I can get the kids outside for a walk today because it's supposed to rain the rest of the week. They're napping in their swings at the moment. They only sleep in their swings. We are aware that they should be in their cribs, believe me, FULLY aware and I hear all manner of shit about it from my mother on a daily basis. BUT she doesnt live here and has nothing keeping her awake night after night so she can cram it. There are some doctors that say the swings are fine and others who do not. Our pediatrician is one who does not like it but SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE and these damn things have been a godsend for us. If it was not for the swings, we'd have completely lost our minds from lack of sleep. We have to get them into the cribs, we know this and want it to happen. John, when put in his crib, flails around like his ass is on fire, its the most annoying thing you will ever see and it looks horrible to watch. He grunts and groans and then has a total meltdown. Usually, when you pick him up, he burps. Now, WHY is the crib giving my kid gas???? When both babies are on their play mats, they tend to have meltdowns eventually and it's always gas related. So it feels like neither of them will ever be able to sleep on their backs like they're "supposed" to?! ARGH!!!!!

Havent seen Monkey our diabetic cat yet this morning, she must be hiding under the bed. She had tail surgery a couple weeks ago for a giant cyst and in the process we learned that she was diabetic. Well, she's 22 1/2 lbs so that makes sense. Our other cat Bean is like 8 lbs and only has 4 teeth yet dominates the giant lumbering Monkey. I'll not even pretend to understand them, but I love them regardless and am grateful that they don't completely hate me for bringing screaming babies into their perfect little world. Note to anyone who is pregnant and has pets...PAY ATTENTION TO THEM WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL! Both my husband and I have taken special care to paying as much attention to our furry babies as much as possible since the twins have come into our lives. I love the asshole people who were like "Are you going to get rid of the cats when the babies are born?" Why would I? What the hell is wrong with people? You just toss aside an animal because you had kids? Why exactly? The cats have been great around my babies. Monkey doesn't really want a lot to do with them but if Charlotte is screaming bloody murder, she'll always come around to see what the issue is. Bean likes to sniff them and has even marked John as hers. Now, before you freak out, both my cats are girls and female cats mark their territory by rubbing their heads and mouths on things, they don't pee on things like the male cats do. So chill the hell out.

Well Hoda and Kathie Lee are on now and I need to put sheets in the dryer. Oh good, John is waking up which means that he'll be up in about an hour. He's a slow riser. Charlotte wakes up screaming like she's on fire, just how she came into our world. Pray that no one has major meltdowns please. I need the prayers.

Have a good day people