RIP Bean kitty

RIP our beloved Bean kitty. You were the sweetest, most loyal and loving kitty ever. I will miss you every day and every night. Not sure how I will sleep without you over my head :'(

Bullying in today's day

I was a bullied kid. It started when I was about 8 years old. The boys started calling me fat. Naturally, the girls who didnt like me started in too, but it was mainly the boys. I was picked on everyday for being "fat"...I look back at pictures now and think "I wasnt even really FAT, I was TALLER than they all were but FAT? No, not hardly". I hated school, so much in fact that I never went an entire week from elementary school till high school. I finally snapped in junior high which was exponentially worse. There were even more kids who I didnt know who decided I was "fat and disgusting" too. I suffered through 7th grade, went home daily and cried, had a handful of loyal friends but they were picked on too for other various things, i.e. glasses (had those too), braces, being short, whatever....so in the 8th grade, I discovered things like cigarettes, sex (I hit puberty pretty big time over that summer) and I developed a temper.....I made a couple of new friends which were boys....boys with long hair and tempers who didnt like me being picked on. Well, one day at school, a dumb ass kid who I didnt like decided he was going to be a smart ass and call me not only FAT but a slut (I was a virgin) too so I produced a large switchblade and told him to F off......I was suspended the next day and never went back to public school...I was sent to the school where the 'bad kids' go.....funny....I wasnt really a bad kid...I was the quiet one who really minded my own damned business, played music and wanted to be left alone.....it's funny how the abused are usually the ones punished...of course teachers saw my torment on a daily basis for YEARS and not ONCE did they ever do shit to stop it!!

Well, the difference between torture in the 80's and 90's and now are quite huge. Today the torment doesnt stop once school stops, kids text and IM and blog 24/7...it's disgraceful, horrible and I think kids who harm other children should all be expelled...thus living a life being uneducated and ridiculed for being stupid...they should be shamed. I also think kids now are even meaner then they used to be. I blame this on the parents NEVER disciplining the rotten little things. I refuse to allow my kids to be mean to other children.

That's all for now.

Running on empty

I don't remember the last time I got more than a few hours of sleep...and not even in a row. Yesterday I turned 37. Big freaking deal. It was a pretty crappy birthday. Charlotte is constipated and has been refusing a bottle because she's teething like mad. Took her to the pediatrician to make sure she didnt have any ear infections or anything..nope, just backed up in the belly. So I have to put pear juice in her milk to keep the "flow" going..... both kids were up and down each hour the entire night last night so I am at the point of delirium. My eyes hurt, I feel like vomiting I'm so tired and I can't stop drinking coffee and eating sugar. I'd kill for a proper meal of meal, veggies and potatoes. I'm exhausted. I can hardly microwave a bag of popcorn.

I'm waiting for the vet to call me back. I need to have Bean put down. She's 13 years old, mean and not in the best condition. She is pooping and peeing in the cellar because she hates the babies. I know it's her, I have caught her in the act. I tried to find her a new home but no takers and I cant guarantee that if she's taken to a new home that she won't freak out and poop all over their house because she's pissed off. I love her dearly and I am broken hearted that she's so angry at me. I know it's because the babies are no longer babies and are officially toddlers. They now invade her territory 24/7 and she's fed up. I feel like a horrible cat momma and and a total shit of a human being for this. I can't guarantee that she's not going to get mad and start crapping where the kids can get it and get diseases. Not good.

What else? I burned the shit out of the back of my head with hair color. Probably shouldnt have left it on for 45 minutes....oh well. At least I'm blond again.

No idea what 's going on in the real world because it's non stop Blues Clues here at the moment.

Feelin sorry for myself

I am raising a monster. I have a 16 month old girl who can scream so loud the windows shake, car alarms go off and my brain cannot take it. I feel like a big freaking failure because I cannot stomach the screaming toddler. I need to make it stop. I am the idiot, pathetic mother who gives in so it stops. I give this 16 month old all the power in the world because I am a stupid ass weakling loser. I am a sad parent. I don't know what to do. I don't want a bratty kid who people can't stand. I don't want her to be excluded because people think she's terrible. I am heartbroken every time she starts in. It's a gut wrenching sound that wakes the dead. She even stands in a corner on her tip toes and screams till she loses her voice. What kind of mother am I to let that happen? What do I do? I have a little girl who loves her momma so much she refuses to let her daddy feed her, comfort her, and sometimes play with her. This breaks my heart. I am her world and as much as I love and adore her, she needs to let other people in. How do I do this? I feel like I am all alone in everything that has to do with my babies. I need help.

On top of this, I have a cat who hates the babies so much, she's pooping and peeing in the cellar because she's mad. This cat is my first "child". I don't want to euthanize my kitty. I don't want to give her away. I love her, she's mine.

My husband got a temp to perm job. I'm alone again with the twins and I am terrified I am screwing up EVERYTHING.

and thanks stomach bug for infecting us....

Well, we have just spent the last week battling vomit, fevers and mega laundry. On the plus side, my husband got a temp job!! This is awesome and if he enjoys it, we're hoping they'll hiring him permanently. I have gotten NO hits on my resume, not one buggering phone call!! I'm insulted! I have a killer work history! Whatever....clowns. Both babies have finally lost the fever and now momma has it! Nice of them to share with me....if they'd sleep, I could probably deal with this. I'm freezing and it's taking all my energy not to crank the heat....

I don't have a ton to discuss, just bitching mainly about how I feel crappy and wish my kids would be more affectionate towards others, like their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, FATHER! They hang on me like little zombies trying to eat whats left of my brain all the time. Hoping daddy gets back from the grocery store soon so I can go upstairs and put on warmer clothes and my slippers. Sick of the nonstop Blues Clues marathon going on here, want to watch shows that don't suck.

OK these 2 are making me insane.....and I'm really cold.

Get a job.......*sigh*..GIVE ME ONE!

Watching the Today Show and as usual, wondering where they find their "experts". Listening to them makes me feel like "Hey, I can go on TV and talk shit and make it sound like I'm saying something terribly important too!" Hey Today Show, give me a job! I'm under 40 years old and can act like everything I say is gold! Come on, I need to be able to feed my kids, look at Charlotte's face and then tell me no. Christ almighty. I am really in a state of WTF currently. Looking for work is just unbelievable, it seems to be all medical (and requiring medical backgrounds) or insurance sales. The newest BS scam is you send in a resume and get some crap about "wow you are more than qualified, but in order for us to continue, click this link and download your credit score, then send it to us and we can proceed"...really? How stupid do you seem to think I am? Go F yourself please. It's really irritating because they flood the online help wanted sites with their lies.

I was looking forward to today...then today started way to damned early with both babies waking up after not having enough sleep. So I am uber grumpy today....or should I just say more pissed off than usual? Considering going back to sleep but I'm already pumped full of coffee. Husband has a meeting at noon for a potential job....we think it's another sales scam....

Let's get onto the Hollywood buzz today....another stupid ass judge let Lindsey Lohan blow him and let her off "with a warning"....Hey California, send her stupid ass here and let a real judge put her away! Stick her ass in a Hartford County jail! That little idiot girl needs a beating from some inmates. That idiot judge telling her "you're not different than anyone else" and then letting her go TELLS HER SHE IS DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE!!!!

Oh a Republican went on Craigslist looking to get laid...used his real name....Sir, please go sit in your car, in the garage with the engine running...and take a long nap...jackass.

Well, my daughter is refusing to nap, so it's back to fun time for me.

Just another manic Monday

Here's a blue bird of happiness.......yeah...didn't work for me either....

February 2011 and things are still crappy. I got probably the worst news ever recently. My friend, whom I have known for over 20 years, is going to die. He has a tumor on his heart...it's spreading and surrounding it, he's had 2 heart attacks already because of it. They cannot operate. He has lymphoma that has spread as quickly as the chemo has killed the tumors. They keep growing back even faster. He is only 35. He's never been married or had kids which are 2 things he wanted to do and now it will never happen. I am beside myself over this. I love him dearly like a little brother. He called to tell me about the heart tumor and I could tell he knew it wasnt going to take long before his body will give out. I don't expect him to last the month. His older brother, who I have been best friends with since childhood seems to think it will be a few months. I hope to God the new chemo will kill the tumor but I am not that optimistic. I need to go see him but at the same time, I'm terrified to see him all weak and it will probably be the last time I see him. It's like Scarlett O'Hara says 'I can't think about that right now, I'll think about it tomorrow"....I tend to think that way about most unpleasantness.

My resume is updated (thanks for the advice Jay). I started a more "normal" email address for job searching. It felt weird creating a new email address since I've had the same one for like over 10 years now. The more I read my resume, the more I'd wanna hire me! LOL....not 1 call so far...kind of depressing...Oh well...

Charlotte passed out FINALLY for her nap...damn kid does not like to sleep...it kills me, I just don't understand! Normal kids love to sleep! Not mine! She can go hours and hours till she finally just passes the hell out. She is making me insane. I'm freaking exhausted.

CRAP, I had all these thoughts I wanted to get down and of course "mommy brain" just kicked in which means its like one of those wind up monkeys with the cymbals going "crash crash crash" in my head....it's all gone....BALLS!!

See ya.