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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Autism Spectrum Disorder

So to end a shitty year, my baby girl was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I can't say I'm shocked to be honest. Not with the fits, tantrums, meltdowns anytime things are different, the fact that she won't eat toast unless I make it, or drink a bottle unless I hand it to her. I may not be shocked, but I am still heartbroken. I love how they came into my home, tested her, gave me the diagnosis and then left. That was it. No real discussion with me about it, just left.

I didnt think I could feel more alone with things, then they told me that. So now what am I supposed to do? She melts down and her poor brother just looks at her like "momma what did I do? why is she crying?" Every day here is heartbreaking for me. Not only with what is going on with the kids but with the overall depression I have in general already.

I can't explain it. No matter the therapy, no matter the medication, I have a complete hatred for myself. I can barely look in a mirror without wanting to throw up. People say "you should look at yourself the way your babies look at you." I don't know how to do that. Do you think I want to feel this way or look this way? No, I don't. I should go to a gym you say? Really? You going to pay for the membership and childcare while I do that? Didnt think so. I wish it was this easy.

So that's it. I love my babies, I hate myself. The end.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Being poor really fucking sucks

I can't afford to feed my children. I can't afford oil to heat my house. I have never been in this type of situation. I have applied for food assistance over a month ago and still no word, I am going to apply for heating assistance next week. Before you judge me and say 'get a job lazy bitch" guess what? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO! I'm not a stuck up jerk who thinks retail is "below me", believe me, I'm applying everywhere! No one is calling. My husband is working his ass off and we are months behind in payments. We can't afford to move and can barely afford our rent. We are pretty much screwed.

Both kids recently had surgery and Charlotte is going to undergo autism testing next week. I had my anxiety meds changed and increased.

These are really crappy times we are living in, totally crappy.