Why did I read CT Craigslist?

Why do I punish myself by reading the rants and rave sections on Craigslist? I was just reminded what a racist bunch of assclowns live in CT...and I'm moving back there....*sigh*....everything to those idiots are about race. Christ, I've been living in Los Angeles for over 8 years now and it's just not like that here. I mean there's racism everywhere, clearly, but it's just so different. Just not looking forward to the typical pissed off East Coast bullshit.

My back stings, burns and itches all at once. They took a chunk of my skin yesterday to run a biopsy. Doc said if I don't hear back in the next 5 days then that means it's nothing. The bandage is all purple from blood and it's grossing me out. I'm scared to have Barry take it off, worried I'm going to have to go back and have them restitch the area.

If whoever is letting their ratty ass little dog bark outside doesnt make it stop soon, I'm going to lose my mind. The babies need to sleep. They've barely napped all day and John is all messed up from lack of a good nap. CHRIST I HATE YAPPY LITTLE DOGS!!!! I'm overtired, not feeling great either. Don't like taking the Ativan. When my body is coming down off it, it makes me really cranky, I mean crankier than usual...more like angry. I would rather have Xanax, that agrees with me better. I probably need to email my doctor.

Shit, I hear John in his crib having a conversation. Probably with mister frog.....we have 3 mister frogs because John likes to spit up on him and it's smelly so I always have 1 in the wash.

Back hurts, I go now

I don't like false advertising

You remember those old Wendy's commercials "where's the beef?" the one where there's a giant bun and a tiny little beef patty? Well, that's what I experienced when Barry brought home the "NEW" grilled chicken sandwiches from El Pollo Loco. It was in this giant, spongy weird bun, all the salsa and crappy lettuce fell out as I picked it up. I took the bun off and was horrified to see this sad little specimen with it's fake grill marks peering back at me. I refused to eat it and promptly emailed the company telling them off.

I also emailed Pottery Barn Kids tonight. We got Peter Rabbit bumpers for the twins cribs 4 months ago. Well, I ran my hand across Charlotte's the other day and noticed a ton of little pics and the stuffing is poking out! Hello? These things were not cheap so I'm pissed. If we had gotten them on sale or as a gift, I'd be less perturbed, but we paid good money for them so I expect something more than an apology. If an 8 month old can mess up a baby bumper then someone needs to update these things. she uses hers as a foot rest or she pushes it down so she can peek out.

Let's see what else is happening....well I think if you take vicatin and ativan around the same time, bad things happen to ones stomach and brain. I had the sinus headache from hell yesterday so I took Excedrin sinus meds...then a few hours later, took a vicatin...then a couple hours later took my ativan...then I got horribly sick to my stomach and had to sleep with an ice pack on my head. It was not good.

Logo has a Buffy marathon going,....last season...sucks. Nothing more stupid than the "potential slayers"...poor Joss having to piss out a bunch of last minute episodes because UPN canceled the show, depressing.

Babies sleeping and hopefully soon will I.

Lots of meds....interesting..

Spent the morning at the doctors office...went to discuss the horrific pains in my back and hip and my new anxiety disorders...well, he questioned me about my anxiety and I broke into tears like a freak. I think I scared him. He promptly gave me Prozac and Ativan. I have never been on these kinds of medications before so I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't know. Doc said I have torn up my back and hips to shit, muscles are all messed up, nerves pinched...hello Vicodin. On steroids and now can't take ibuprofen or it will all burn a nasty hole in my gut....*sigh*

So I thought I was going to be on a roll in the blogging department today but a little boy keeps shrieking at me so I gots to go.

Really thanks Facebook you bastards

Stupid Facebook doesnt really need to suggest I add people...especially people who tortured me during my entire childhood. I have enough bad memories to last me a lifetime but don't need them thrown in my face at random moments of the day. Some turned out OK I guess but the majority of them look like complete trash. I guess adolescence followed them into adulthood. Once a dirty washed up whore, always one I suppose. Still, who the hell were these people to torture me the way they did? If this was happening now, say, if I was a kid now and this was going on. They'd be arrested for the shit they did to me. The constant harassment and verbal abuse. You know why? Because I was THE CHUBBY KID! I have always had friends, all my life, some I've had since I was 4 years old and I don't recall being a particularly mean kid myself, but some of these people were just awful to me! What's worse is I'm moving back to where it all occurred. I think that's part of my anxiety about it. LOADS of bad memories of that state. I think if just one of them said sorry to me, I'd let it go. Then again, no. I'm Irish so there will be no letting ANYTHING go...sorry folks!

Well, there was a Toy Story marathon on yesterday and when this came on, I freaking lost it.


Talk about just ripping apart your soul! This is why I never got rid of ANY of my toys and always treated them well! Poor things. :'( What pisses me off is neither iTunes or Amazon will let you purchase the song without buying the album. They knew no one would bother with it if they could just get the 1 good song from the soundtrack. Extortion. Bastards.

John is off with his daddy to Uncle Jay's to watch soccer..Teenie is napping finally. Of course I just said that and some asshole just fired up a chainsaw so this should be short lived. I didnt go with the boys because I can watch TV at home and watch babies, no need to drive to the Valley to have it be like home. Plus I havent left the house now in 6 days, I'm on a streak that I'm not sure I want to break just yet.

Well, I guess I should call my mom and say hi.

Being fat causes headaches...really Today Show?

I haven't had a headache in a while now and I am a giant fat ass. So up yours Today Show! I am sick of "being overweight is the reason for EVERYTHING!" that they spout pretty much everyday. Dr. Joy has to weigh a whopping 62 lbs total. Good for her. Is she going to show up at my house and tell me how to eat? How to cook for my husband when I have 2 teething babies to deal with on my own all day? He's blessed and happy if I remember to put a pre-made lasagna in the oven before he gets home!! Do I wish we were uber active and eating healthy and not clinically overweight? OF COURSE! I love watching the Today Show but it loves to make me feel bad about myself almost daily. I am obsessed with the "experts" they find on this show. Most of these people don't have a freaking clue or they state the obvious.

Going to see my doc on Monday about the horrendous pain I'm having in my hips and thighs and to see what he'll say about me having panic attacks. I'm sure he'll tell me to eat right and exercise. Well, the panic attacks like to happen once I leave the house to take the babies for walks. Hence the walking coming to a complete halt. Well, me leaving the house has taken a halt unless it's with Barry or I'm meeting someone. I'm having issues taking them out by myself. Mainly because I'm terrified someone is going to try and hurt me to take them. Yes, I am convinced of this. Barry keeps telling me I'm nuts...and then it happened to a woman the other day, locally. Some nutjob woman attacked her to try and take her baby. She only has 1 baby, I have 2. How do I protect them both on my own? Yes, I am officially afraid of the outside world. Never thought it would happen but it did. Now what?

Onto something else....totally random. I really dislike people who chew gum. I think it's a gross as hell looking habit. It's just nasty. Watching Kathie Lee and Hoda and Cassidy (Kathie Lee's kid) is visiting and she's smacking gum and it looks classless. Just gross. They're going on about things men dislike, like Ugg boots and over sized sunglasses on women. Really? Fuck them. We dislike wife beater t-shirts, mullets, cheap behaviors and when they wear pants around their ankles so suck it jerks. I love my Uggs, they're comfy and I love my over sized sunglasses, they're cute and I get lots of compliments on them...from women of course but an occasional gay man will comment.

So the babies are napping. Both are teething and miserable. John is particularly unhappy. He's very clingy and whiny and likes to break my heart 24/7 and make me hella angry at the same time. He has a new thing. If he's on my lap facing away from me and I lean in, he grabs my hair and twists himself around to plant a wet sloppy kiss on whatever part of my face he can get. It's adorable and gross at the same time. Charlotte is going to be up and running any time now, I can feel it. She scares me with her energy and determination. Her main determination is to get Monkey, she is SO in love with that poor cat.

Well, things to do.

Very bad day

I'm in an extremely bad head space right now. I'm very tired as usual and more depressed than usual. My body hurts horribly and I can barely keep myself from crying. I don't want to speak to anyone and don't want anyone speaking to me. I exist solely to take care of my children and that is it. Not even sure how long that will last seeing as how I will probably drop dead of a heart attack or stroke at any given moment due to my size. Also, it's taking all my energy not to go to the gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes.

Both babies are teething and it's making things unbearable. Nothing makes them happy. The only thing they ever want is ice water because of the teething so everything is wet because they don't want to swallow it, just let it sit in their mouths. Getting them to eat is an outright bitch and I'm tired of fighting to get them to eat. Fuck it. I guess they will when they're hungry enough. I can't fixate on it or it will drive me more insane than I already am.

I'm sitting here crying like a freak and my poor daughter is looking at me like I'm nuts. This is out of control.

Teething sucks

My baby boy has a slight fever today. I think it's from his teething. I wish their little teeth would show up already, I feel so badly for both babies. She's handling it differently. She gets pissy but she just sits back and chews stuff. He's whiny and needy as hell and you just can't console him. It breaks my heart. Especially when he's pushing his little chin into my shoulder.

Today's photo is Monkey snuggling her "stinky mouse". I had bent down to pet her and she tried to snuggle my arm in so I had to do the ole switcheroo with the mouse and then ran and got the camera. She's so bloody cute sometimes.

Kaiser sent me some email to get my personalized health assessment. So I took it...shocking, I'm depressed! Wow, didnt need to answer a zillion questions to know the obvious. Oh and I need to lose weight....*sigh*

Nothing else really to report. BP still fucking over the environment and then the CEO fucker whined about how he "wanted his life back"...and then quickly backpeddled as quickly as it fell out of his mouth. That stupid bastard. James Cameron needs to shut his hole too. He thinks way to highly of himself if he's "hiring people to find a solution" but if he pulls it off then all BP executives should be round up & executed.

Oops baby up!

The last 8 years

I think today we should go over the last 8 years and how things are wrapping up here in LA for me. Well, this may just be my opinion but someone said to me the other day "you're leaving? WTF? Well, I never see you but it was always nice knowing you're here"....was that supposed to be a compliment? I actually found that extremely insulting to be honest. I've found a lot of people here who thought of me as "friend" never really treated me like one. To be fair, some have become my friend and I'm hoping will continue to be for years to come, even if it is long distance. I worked in the same place for 8 years. I thought when I left that some of those people would keep in touch since we were like "family". Nope. If I want to talk to them, I have to contact them. I'm tired. I'm going to cut a shitload of ties when I leave here. I was happy here for the majority of years. The last 7 months, not at all. Been wanting out of this place since the day the twins were born. I have never felt as alone in my life as I have since I had the twins. There have been a handful of people who have bothered to come and see them and considering the amount of people we know here, I find that extremely hurtful. To those who couldn't be bothered, thanks for nothing. Thanks for wasting my time, my energy and my friendship. I find myself to be a fierce and loyal friend as is my husband. Bottom line, I don't like wasting my time.

Like I said, I'm tired. I'm also tired of arguing with my spouse. Hence my not speaking verbally around here anymore unless it's to the babies. I'm tired of everything that comes out of my mouth being "wrong". Example. We had a series of earthquakes last night, so he says to me this morning "did you hear that crashing last night? I think it came from upstairs, I thought it was maybe an earthquake but nothing else moved" then I saw on the internet that we did have earthquakes so I mention it and I get (in a snarly ass tone like I'm a complete moron) "NO that's not what I heard". So you know what? Fine. I know nothing, I'm the queen of the idiots, whatever. I'm bloody exhausted, I have a home that I can't keep picked up or clean because he constantly drops shit everywhere, nothing ends up in the garbage unless I put it in there. clothes are always on the floor until the laundry fairy picks it up, washes it and puts it away. Receipts don't shred themselves or get picked up off the damned floor unless I get rid of them. Bottles and dishes always wash themselves too. I'm a housewife, I get it. It's what it is and I'm fine with being home and raising my kids. I'm not however, a house slave and don't like being treated like one.

In other words, I guess I'm not worth a shit around here. I get passive aggressive behavior, I live with it. It was never this bad till I said I wanted to move but NOT to VA, so I guess that makes me some hateful cow. Fine. We never discuss moving and we're supposed to go in September? It's June already. How the bloody hell is that going to happen? Yeah. I'm sure if I was gung ho about VA, we'd be there already.

I'm in complete physical pain, I know this is because I'm obese, I get it. Weird thing is though, I'm not food obsessed. I honestly don't give 2 shits if we have dinner. It's not a concern to me, ever. Watched the Al Roker thing this morning about his weight loss. Good for him. We're all happy for him. I am a bit tired though of people losing weight because of stomach bypass surgery. I'm not getting that surgery and most of us fattys don't have the insurance or recovery time for it. Speaking of, I get more skin removed at the end of the month to see if I have cancer. Probably do and won't do shit about it because heaven forbid I need someone home with me to help with the babies. So whatever. Yeah I'm very pissed off.

Well, I think the twins are napping so I'm going to shower so I smell less horrible. Oh, nope, she's still up. Oh well, doesnt matter.

Sunday

It's Sunday, Teenie woke at 4:40, daddy got her and she was promptly back in her crib 20 minutes later...SCREAMING so guess who has been up ever since? Yeah not only me but her brother woke up too. Charlotte is back in bed and John is up, been up. Oh and daddy is asleep.....Mommy is in one crappy ass mood now. Would be nice to be able to sleep. I'm beyond bitter right now. Trying to maintain my attitude. Taking a lot for me not to go in with a bullhorn and wake him up. I've already been barfed on twice in the last hour by my son. Again, trying to maintain.

I wish I had something profound to say or share but I don't. Just sitting here in the wee hours of the day, with my boy, trying not to think of tomorrow, just taking things a day at a time or I'll lose my mind. Christ it's June. We're supposed to move in September? Wow, wonder how the hell that's going to work out. You know since we have nowhere to go, nothing packed, no jobs there, no movers hired, no clue how we're going to move the cats, how the babies will sleep if they're not in their own cribs....FUCK I gotta go.