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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Autism Spectrum Disorder


So to end a shitty year, my baby girl was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I can't say I'm shocked to be honest. Not with the fits, tantrums, meltdowns anytime things are different, the fact that she won't eat toast unless I make it, or drink a bottle unless I hand it to her. I may not be shocked, but I am still heartbroken. I love how they came into my home, tested her, gave me the diagnosis and then left. That was it. No real discussion with me about it, just left.

I didnt think I could feel more alone with things, then they told me that. So now what am I supposed to do? She melts down and her poor brother just looks at her like "momma what did I do? why is she crying?" Every day here is heartbreaking for me. Not only with what is going on with the kids but with the overall depression I have in general already.

I can't explain it. No matter the therapy, no matter the medication, I have a complete hatred for myself. I can barely look in a mirror without wanting to throw up. People say "you should look at yourself the way your babies look at you." I don't know how to do that. Do you think I want to feel this way or look this way? No, I don't. I should go to a gym you say? Really? You going to pay for the membership and childcare while I do that? Didnt think so. I wish it was this easy.



So that's it. I love my babies, I hate myself. The end.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Being poor really fucking sucks


I can't afford to feed my children. I can't afford oil to heat my house. I have never been in this type of situation. I have applied for food assistance over a month ago and still no word, I am going to apply for heating assistance next week. Before you judge me and say 'get a job lazy bitch" guess what? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO! I'm not a stuck up jerk who thinks retail is "below me", believe me, I'm applying everywhere! No one is calling. My husband is working his ass off and we are months behind in payments. We can't afford to move and can barely afford our rent. We are pretty much screwed.

Both kids recently had surgery and Charlotte is going to undergo autism testing next week. I had my anxiety meds changed and increased.

These are really crappy times we are living in, totally crappy.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

2 year olds are the terrible


As I sit here typing this, this sweet little face you see on your left is having a titanic meltdown, kicking & screaming her ever loving brains out. Why? I assume it's because she forced herself to stay up all day and finally passed out on the couch around 4 and woke up an hour later, thus pissing her off because she's overtired. There are no tears. Just loads of kicking and screaming. This is what I deal with at least 5-10 times a day. 24/7. She just purposely banged her head on the kitchen floor. Her brother, mellow dude that he is, is laying in the papasan chair, he was sleeping, her screaming woke him up. He is ignoring her, like his mama is. I did put her in time out twice for kicking me. She's sweating now from all this. I swear I do not understand this child at all. She was born with a crap temper but the second she turned 2, it's been complete and total hell. Now she's rolled completely to the front door. Her goal is to get me to come get her. Fuck that shit. I suppose she's also torturing me because she saw the ENT this morning and her tongue tie clipping is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. Yes, Kaiser failed my other child too.

Well, I was going to bitch about the fucked up October snow storm that wiped out our electricity for a freaking week but her screaming is pissing me off now.

Friday, October 28, 2011

It's going to snow....SNOW?! In October??


It's going to snow tomorrow. Snow...in October. Why is this shit happening? I hate bloody snow. I'm already stuck in the house enough as it is, but when it snows that means I am officially a prisoner in my own home. PISSED about this.

Charlotte is going to see the ENT on Wednesday to see if she needs her tongue clipped like her brother just had done. I'm still so angry at fucking Kaiser Permanente it's not even funny. 2 years of this crap, they can't speak, barely eat and are in speech therapy twice a week. All couldve been avoided had a lactation nurse LOOKED in their mouths instead of poking and pinching me and telling me things were wrong with ME and that's why my babies couldnt latch properly. Fucking assholes.

New subject. Snooki is writing a book.......oh I'm sorry, a SECOND book...*sigh* is Kim Kardashian going to be writing and directing movies soon?...I mean movies where she doesnt end them with "Oh baby cum on my face!" God I hate these people so very much. No talent, wastes of flesh that offer nothing to their communities other than ignorance and filth. Lord I sound like an uppity old woman...well, I guess I am. I hate, let me rephrase, I LOATHE who and what is considered "cool and hip" in this country. You wonder why other countries hate us so much? No, not because of our choices of politicians (Well Bush yes but no other), they hate us because they think everyone in this country is like Snooki and a Kardashian! It's a fucking joke!

I'm going to go back to my sad little world of watching Yo Gabba Gabba with my kids, at least they learn real lessons from The Gabba gang. Like don't bite your friends and share and you should always try new foods, you may like it!

Peace

Friday, October 21, 2011

Anxiety disorders SUCK


Hi, I have anxiety attacks. They show up when they want. There is no rhyme or reason as to why and they SUCK. Today my twins turn 2 years old. I am just sitting here watching Jack's Big Music Show with them and futzing around on the computer, reading The Superficial and WHAMO! My brain goes blank, my tongue starts to feel swollen and my chest tightens for a second, then my brain feels a little fuzzy and I have to get all weird and say out loud "YOU'RE FINE CUT IT OUT!"...now I have to take an anti anxiety medication. This is ridiculous. All I want to do is focus on what i need to do for the party tomorrow, not sit here and focus on my stupid ass brain!!

I wasn't always like this. I actually never had a panic attack until we decided to move back to CT. They just showed up and have not gone away since.

I'm going to change the subject because I spotted a story online that pissed me off. Now, as we all know there's that Prop 8 in CA that the Mormons (morons) made sure didnt pass because they hate the gays. I love how they act like marriage is this sanctimonious thing. KIM KARDASHIAN WORE WHITE!!!! Marriage means NOTHING in this country!! It's a pathetic game. Who the hell are we to say who can and cannot get married when it's nothing but a game show? How dare anyone say that gays can't marry. I happen to have more than 1 family member that is gay and guess what? They love like anyone else. If you hate the gays, FUCK YOU!

Now for a youtube from my buddy Chuck on the subject


Peace out.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

See you later dignity, it was nice knowing you


What an interesting couple of months. Well, it appears that all the feeding and speech issues I've had with my son for almost 2 years has been because,.......he's TONGUE TIED! Really? Well, he had surgery the other day to correct this. Now, excuse me if I am wrong but should this not have been noticed when he was BORN? Like when he couldnt latch and they kept telling me how inadequate I was as a mother and my son was not able to eat and because jaundice the following day because he was freaking starving?! Almost 2 god damned years we've been going through hell trying to help him eat and it's been because his poor tongue was SO tight to the bottom of his mouth he was not able to MOVE IT?! Honestly? I want to sue someone over this. I'm not kidding. I signed something in the hospital when they were born stating that I was giving up any sign of being a real woman and bottle feeding my babies.....yes, Kaiser Permanente made me sign something saying these things so my children wouldnt starve. The lactation nurse didnt think maybe, just MAYBE there was something wrong with John's tongue and thats why he couldnt eat? I'm beyond angry, they humiliated me! They put me in therapy over this! I can't even look at my breasts without thinking "big damn loser, ugly loser, you're not a real woman, you couldnt even feed your babies!"

So my baby boy had his tongue surgery the other day, it was probably more traumatizing for me than for him. He's fine. He was back running laps through the house by noon the same day. We've all been sick with a weird cold, I've had it the longest. Probably because I share food with the kids and kisses and they wipe their mouths and noses all over me.....the things I do for love.

Today is my 6th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, I went out and sold what was left of my jewelry (other than my engagement ring) so help pay the rent and feed our kids. I officially have nothing to leave my daughter when I leave this earth. It was that or go find a street corner and hope someone is looking for a good time with a fatty. Not likely. I feel like the worlds biggest loser because of this. I sold the 1 item I said I would never sell. It hurt, badly. I keep finding myself weeping over it. I know it's just "stuff" but you know what? I paid a fuckload of money for this stuff 12 years ago and got about 10% back of what it costs me originally, that shit hurts.

Considering that lack of empathy regarding this, it hurts even more. I officially have nothing left.

So that's my tale of woe for today. I'm a big fat loser....nothing new there.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Probaby a good thing I'm medicated.


It's probably a good thing that I'm medicated for my depression and anxiety. If I wasnt, I'm not sure how I would be coping right now. It's pretty fucking sad when you only have $40 in your bank account and need groceries and diapers for your kids. My brain hurts....really hurts....I'm doing all I can to sell any unnecessary baby stuff that we have laying around here like the pack and play, their infant seats, old clothes...etc. Last month I broke down and sold jewelry. That fucking hurt. I didnt even get half of what I originally paid back in 99. I don't dare say anything to my mom about it, they're having enough problems on their own without having to listen to my whining.

Sorry, just having a pity party for myself today. The birth to 3 people were here to work with the twins today. I had a slight breakdown when Amy asked me if I was OK. I felt like such a loser. So overwhelmed with them lately, especially with their eating quirks. Charlotte is still refusing to feed herself and eats almost nothing and John won't just take a bite of something and chew and swallow, he futzes with it and ends up mainly wearing it or chucking it on the floor.....I feed them 365 days 3 times a day and when I ask the other parent to feed them on weekends, it still ends up being me...needless to say, I'm not going to ask anymore.

Again, I apologize for being a downer and don't expect anyone to give a crap, just venting.


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Let's see


So let's see how fast I can pound out a post before Charlotte completely decides not to nap or John needs to wake up since he's been out for almost 3 hours now. Well, to start things, my dad's cancer was caught at stage 2 and at the moment, he has NO cancer. It's SUCH a relief. They said since it popped up out of nowhere, it can come back just as fast but he has no signs of it right now.

Charlotte has decided she no longer likes to take her nap. She fights it every singe day and it drives me completely insane. Yeah I'm zoning on Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and it keeps sucking me back in.

Shit, I have like a million things to bitch about all the time and then I get 20 seconds to post and it's gone.......I hate my brain.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Mother's day means nothing in this house

So mothers day is this weekend...looks like it's just me and the twins. His majesty is going to drive to VA to visit his "friend" on his birthday. Not a milestone birthday...just a birthday....and this friend can't be bothered to drive HERE even though we've been back since SEPTEMBER OF 2010!.... On top of this total disrespectful horseshit, my dad is in the ER at the moment. They think it's kidney stones. I honestly hope it's something that simple. The radiation from his prostate cancer has done a number on him and he keeps having issues. I really can't lose my dad right now.

I already don't feel like I have a man who loves and respects me at home, my dad is the only one left who does.

You know what, screw it, I'm unleashing. I have no intention of getting divorced.....but if I am going to be treated with not ONE shred of respect, then I am going to treat him the same way. I went through freaking HELL getting pregnant and carrying them, for HIM...he wanted these kids SO badly and ever since they've been here, he's gone out of his way to make me feel like a complete asshole for having them. I'm so SORRY I don't shit money out of my asshole and that he has to work to support them. SO SORRY I want their father to pay attention to them, so SORRY I expect their father to watch them so I can go to the bathroom or run to CVS...so SORRY my expectations are so UNREASONABLE!....So SORRY I have been suffering from PPD since they've been born and I'm not properly medicated...and I'm so SORRY that I'm so depressed that I am eating myself to DEATH because of it. The only things stopping me from swallowing a shotgun are these babies who need at least ONE parent to love them and pay attention to them and kiss and hug them, feed them, make sure they don't swallow things they shouldnt be chewing on (John eats lint now, it's very annoying). I'm not sorry I had them, I adore them and would kill anyone who tried to harm them or even looked at them the wrong way. I'm just sorry that I knew this was going to be the outcome all along.

RIP Glen


RIP Glen, I will miss you every day until I see you again.

Glen left us on April 18th, at 5AM in the arms of his brother Bryan. The wake was 2 days later.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

My greatest loves are my children


This sums up our spring photo shoot. Charlotte is expressing her mother's feelings as well. I hate crap like that, hate feeling forced into situations and my daughter is definitely my child.

My children drive me insane on a daily basis. I love no others in life the way I love my children (with exception of my parents). Yes, I love their father....I may not like him a lot most days but I do love him.

I am tired, very tired. I don't have a lot to say these days. Just trying to keep my babies happy, fed and clothed.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

We should've stayed in LA

My feelings are extremely hurt right now and if anyone takes this personally, I really don't freaking care. I feel more alone here than I did in Los Angeles. My "friends" who "missed me SO much" don't really seem to give a shit that I'm back. I guess that means I was more appealing when I was 3,500 miles away. Whatever. I get that people have lives and shit comes up but you know what? If you don't want to come over then just say it. I'm a big girl (literally), I can take it. Also, being blown off for people who are in their 20's is just sad and annoying. Inside jokes are stupid and childish. I'm pushing 40 for Christ sake, reading "blah blah right?" on someones Facebook is STUPID. Then texting me on "what you should've said was..." makes me madder. Oh I'm sorry I'm not encouraging you to act like you're 20, PARDON ME! Telling me that my attitude is "old"....is PICKING A FIGHT WITH ME!!! You know what's old? YOUR CASE OF ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT!!

Als0, guess what? Glen is going to die ANY FREAKING MINUTE and I am heartbroken so excuse me for not being in a happy damned mood for you people! I'm sorry I miss him already, I'm sorry that I hear him giggling like a girl when I say Simpson's lines and it makes me cry, I'm sorry I have memories of when we worked together and we'd hang out in the middle of the night on our nights off and drink coffee and laugh at stupid crap and make up silly things, I'm sorry my love for him is getting in the way of your stupid ass good time! I'm sorry I'm handling losing him differently than you are. I'm not YOU! I don't demand you handle grief differently so don't you dare expect me to either.

Bottom line, I'm sorry we came back here. I feel more alone here than I did in Los Angeles. The only people who seems to give a crap about me are my parents and I don't have a right to demand they hang out with me to help me with my sanity. They have lives too, I'm realistic. At least they don't blow me off though. Is this the correct form for me to say my peace? Probably not. I'm extremely upset and was hoping to maybe have one friend to be with here....guess that was to much to ask.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I'm angry

Nothing says "I will CUT you" like this look my daughter is giving in this photo to her father for being in her way when she's trying to eat and watch Blues Clues.

I'm angry. Now Glen has pneumonia on top of cancer which means they had to stop chemo. Chemo is what he feels is keeping him alive. I think his will is what is doing it but you don't argue with a dying Irishman...EVER.

You know what? I'm to pissed off to really post anymore without going on rants that people will try and take personally and that's not my intention.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

FUCK CANCER


One of my dearest friends has cancer, he's going to die soon. It's not right. He came over yesterday to visit and spend time with the kids. Watching his face light up when they laughed almost killed me. He won't have children, he won't get married, he won't live another year and it's not fair. He will be leaving behind his parents and 2 older brothers. I have known this family for most of my life. His middle brother Bryan was at one time, my best friend. He dumped all his friends for a junkie girlfriend. He was also here yesterday and I wanted to hold him down, shave his head and repeatedly punch him in the face. I have a lot of anger towards him in this situation. I don't think he really realizes he's going to lose his little brother. I'm sure he's dealing with this in his own weird twisted way. Who knows. What I do know is that cancer is the cruelest, most evil thing on the planet....after Republicans. Sorry, had to put that in there.

I love my friend Glen, he's like a brother to me. I think I am gearing up emotionally for his departure. I want God to grant him peace. I don't want him in pain. He's trying so hard to have the best time he can with what time he has left. He's an inspiration to all around him.

FUCK YOU CANCER

Monday, March 14, 2011

Things feel weird

I hate this teething stage.....why can't my kids be like some others who just wake up and it's like "oh look you have teeth?" Mine drool and chew things like rats, whine and cry and make the world miserable along with them.

On top of this, daylight savings is fucking us all. My cat is gone and the other cat is just acting weird now. She was weird before but she's gotten worse. She won't come to bed and I can't sleep without a kitty above my head.

I probably have more to go on about but to be honest, with Bean gone, I'm beyond depressed. My mom will probably have Charlie cat put down this week too. He's almost 17 and has kidney disease and arthritis. It's all to much to think on. Why do we keep putting ourselves though this?

Friday, March 11, 2011

RIP Bean kitty


RIP our beloved Bean kitty. You were the sweetest, most loyal and loving kitty ever. I will miss you every day and every night. Not sure how I will sleep without you over my head :'(

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Bullying in today's day

I was a bullied kid. It started when I was about 8 years old. The boys started calling me fat. Naturally, the girls who didnt like me started in too, but it was mainly the boys. I was picked on everyday for being "fat"...I look back at pictures now and think "I wasnt even really FAT, I was TALLER than they all were but FAT? No, not hardly". I hated school, so much in fact that I never went an entire week from elementary school till high school. I finally snapped in junior high which was exponentially worse. There were even more kids who I didnt know who decided I was "fat and disgusting" too. I suffered through 7th grade, went home daily and cried, had a handful of loyal friends but they were picked on too for other various things, i.e. glasses (had those too), braces, being short, whatever....so in the 8th grade, I discovered things like cigarettes, sex (I hit puberty pretty big time over that summer) and I developed a temper.....I made a couple of new friends which were boys....boys with long hair and tempers who didnt like me being picked on. Well, one day at school, a dumb ass kid who I didnt like decided he was going to be a smart ass and call me not only FAT but a slut (I was a virgin) too so I produced a large switchblade and told him to F off......I was suspended the next day and never went back to public school...I was sent to the school where the 'bad kids' go.....funny....I wasnt really a bad kid...I was the quiet one who really minded my own damned business, played music and wanted to be left alone.....it's funny how the abused are usually the ones punished...of course teachers saw my torment on a daily basis for YEARS and not ONCE did they ever do shit to stop it!!

Well, the difference between torture in the 80's and 90's and now are quite huge. Today the torment doesnt stop once school stops, kids text and IM and blog 24/7...it's disgraceful, horrible and I think kids who harm other children should all be expelled...thus living a life being uneducated and ridiculed for being stupid...they should be shamed. I also think kids now are even meaner then they used to be. I blame this on the parents NEVER disciplining the rotten little things. I refuse to allow my kids to be mean to other children.

That's all for now.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Running on empty


I don't remember the last time I got more than a few hours of sleep...and not even in a row. Yesterday I turned 37. Big freaking deal. It was a pretty crappy birthday. Charlotte is constipated and has been refusing a bottle because she's teething like mad. Took her to the pediatrician to make sure she didnt have any ear infections or anything..nope, just backed up in the belly. So I have to put pear juice in her milk to keep the "flow" going..... both kids were up and down each hour the entire night last night so I am at the point of delirium. My eyes hurt, I feel like vomiting I'm so tired and I can't stop drinking coffee and eating sugar. I'd kill for a proper meal of meal, veggies and potatoes. I'm exhausted. I can hardly microwave a bag of popcorn.

I'm waiting for the vet to call me back. I need to have Bean put down. She's 13 years old, mean and not in the best condition. She is pooping and peeing in the cellar because she hates the babies. I know it's her, I have caught her in the act. I tried to find her a new home but no takers and I cant guarantee that if she's taken to a new home that she won't freak out and poop all over their house because she's pissed off. I love her dearly and I am broken hearted that she's so angry at me. I know it's because the babies are no longer babies and are officially toddlers. They now invade her territory 24/7 and she's fed up. I feel like a horrible cat momma and and a total shit of a human being for this. I can't guarantee that she's not going to get mad and start crapping where the kids can get it and get diseases. Not good.

What else? I burned the shit out of the back of my head with hair color. Probably shouldnt have left it on for 45 minutes....oh well. At least I'm blond again.

No idea what 's going on in the real world because it's non stop Blues Clues here at the moment.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Feelin sorry for myself

I am raising a monster. I have a 16 month old girl who can scream so loud the windows shake, car alarms go off and my brain cannot take it. I feel like a big freaking failure because I cannot stomach the screaming toddler. I need to make it stop. I am the idiot, pathetic mother who gives in so it stops. I give this 16 month old all the power in the world because I am a stupid ass weakling loser. I am a sad parent. I don't know what to do. I don't want a bratty kid who people can't stand. I don't want her to be excluded because people think she's terrible. I am heartbroken every time she starts in. It's a gut wrenching sound that wakes the dead. She even stands in a corner on her tip toes and screams till she loses her voice. What kind of mother am I to let that happen? What do I do? I have a little girl who loves her momma so much she refuses to let her daddy feed her, comfort her, and sometimes play with her. This breaks my heart. I am her world and as much as I love and adore her, she needs to let other people in. How do I do this? I feel like I am all alone in everything that has to do with my babies. I need help.

On top of this, I have a cat who hates the babies so much, she's pooping and peeing in the cellar because she's mad. This cat is my first "child". I don't want to euthanize my kitty. I don't want to give her away. I love her, she's mine.

My husband got a temp to perm job. I'm alone again with the twins and I am terrified I am screwing up EVERYTHING.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

and thanks stomach bug for infecting us....


Well, we have just spent the last week battling vomit, fevers and mega laundry. On the plus side, my husband got a temp job!! This is awesome and if he enjoys it, we're hoping they'll hiring him permanently. I have gotten NO hits on my resume, not one buggering phone call!! I'm insulted! I have a killer work history! Whatever....clowns. Both babies have finally lost the fever and now momma has it! Nice of them to share with me....if they'd sleep, I could probably deal with this. I'm freezing and it's taking all my energy not to crank the heat....

I don't have a ton to discuss, just bitching mainly about how I feel crappy and wish my kids would be more affectionate towards others, like their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, FATHER! They hang on me like little zombies trying to eat whats left of my brain all the time. Hoping daddy gets back from the grocery store soon so I can go upstairs and put on warmer clothes and my slippers. Sick of the nonstop Blues Clues marathon going on here, want to watch shows that don't suck.

OK these 2 are making me insane.....and I'm really cold.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Get a job.......*sigh*..GIVE ME ONE!


Watching the Today Show and as usual, wondering where they find their "experts". Listening to them makes me feel like "Hey, I can go on TV and talk shit and make it sound like I'm saying something terribly important too!" Hey Today Show, give me a job! I'm under 40 years old and can act like everything I say is gold! Come on, I need to be able to feed my kids, look at Charlotte's face and then tell me no. Christ almighty. I am really in a state of WTF currently. Looking for work is just unbelievable, it seems to be all medical (and requiring medical backgrounds) or insurance sales. The newest BS scam is you send in a resume and get some crap about "wow you are more than qualified, but in order for us to continue, click this link and download your credit score, then send it to us and we can proceed"...really? How stupid do you seem to think I am? Go F yourself please. It's really irritating because they flood the online help wanted sites with their lies.

I was looking forward to today...then today started way to damned early with both babies waking up after not having enough sleep. So I am uber grumpy today....or should I just say more pissed off than usual? Considering going back to sleep but I'm already pumped full of coffee. Husband has a meeting at noon for a potential job....we think it's another sales scam....

Let's get onto the Hollywood buzz today....another stupid ass judge let Lindsey Lohan blow him and let her off "with a warning"....Hey California, send her stupid ass here and let a real judge put her away! Stick her ass in a Hartford County jail! That little idiot girl needs a beating from some inmates. That idiot judge telling her "you're not different than anyone else" and then letting her go TELLS HER SHE IS DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE!!!!

Oh a Republican went on Craigslist looking to get laid...used his real name....Sir, please go sit in your car, in the garage with the engine running...and take a long nap...jackass.

Well, my daughter is refusing to nap, so it's back to fun time for me.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Just another manic Monday

Here's a blue bird of happiness.......yeah...didn't work for me either....

February 2011 and things are still crappy. I got probably the worst news ever recently. My friend, whom I have known for over 20 years, is going to die. He has a tumor on his heart...it's spreading and surrounding it, he's had 2 heart attacks already because of it. They cannot operate. He has lymphoma that has spread as quickly as the chemo has killed the tumors. They keep growing back even faster. He is only 35. He's never been married or had kids which are 2 things he wanted to do and now it will never happen. I am beside myself over this. I love him dearly like a little brother. He called to tell me about the heart tumor and I could tell he knew it wasnt going to take long before his body will give out. I don't expect him to last the month. His older brother, who I have been best friends with since childhood seems to think it will be a few months. I hope to God the new chemo will kill the tumor but I am not that optimistic. I need to go see him but at the same time, I'm terrified to see him all weak and it will probably be the last time I see him. It's like Scarlett O'Hara says 'I can't think about that right now, I'll think about it tomorrow"....I tend to think that way about most unpleasantness.

My resume is updated (thanks for the advice Jay). I started a more "normal" email address for job searching. It felt weird creating a new email address since I've had the same one for like over 10 years now. The more I read my resume, the more I'd wanna hire me! LOL....not 1 call so far...kind of depressing...Oh well...

Charlotte passed out FINALLY for her nap...damn kid does not like to sleep...it kills me, I just don't understand! Normal kids love to sleep! Not mine! She can go hours and hours till she finally just passes the hell out. She is making me insane. I'm freaking exhausted.

CRAP, I had all these thoughts I wanted to get down and of course "mommy brain" just kicked in which means its like one of those wind up monkeys with the cymbals going "crash crash crash" in my head....it's all gone....BALLS!!

See ya.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It's snowing.....again

It's freaking snowing AGAIN in CT...this is the worst January in CT history....oh how lucky we are to have moved here for this...balls.

Well, still no jobs....I am actively seeking now as well as Barry. I take a completely different approach to job searching than he does. I send the resume and let them decide if they feel I can do the job. He reads about a job, finds one little thing he has never done and doesnt bother sending in the resume....what a go getter I married.....*sigh*

We watch pretty much nothing but Blues Clues and Yo Gabba Gabba. Granted Yo Gabba Gabba is a pretty excellent show but Blues Clues is officially gotten to my nerves. I want to take Joe and Steve and throw them in a volcano...and then take Blue and have her put to sleep. The babies don't really sleep at all and have been fighting a horrific cold for over a week now. John had a fever of 104.1 the first night he got sick. We've gone through 2 giant boxes of kleenex. Boy babies do not like having their noses wiped at all do they? Charlotte sees me coming with a tissue and runs away screaming like I'm about to light her on fire. Drama...seriously.

We are on food assistance, heating and medical assistance and to be honest, it's depressing but it makes me appreciate the state of CT and what it will do for it's people. Los Angeles would have never done this to help us. I miss LA, terribly. I didnt think I would but I really do. I miss our friends there a lot.

I wonder why people never tell you that when you have kids, it's puts tremendous stress on your marriage. I guess if we all knew that, none of us would have babies. We fight like cats and dogs...oh speaking of cats. Monkey kitty has taken to pooping in the basement on the floor. I think she senses all our depression and stress. I feel guilty.

Let's hope that February shapes up better....I really hope it does for everyone.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


It's winter. It won't stop snowing. I miss Los Angeles. We are completely broke. We have state medical assistance which is awesome, but it's beyond depressing. Finding work here is near impossible. I cry daily...yeah, it's bad.

The twins are sick and I now have it too. John had a fever of 104.1 the other night, it was scary. At the moment they are both little snot machines, I've already killed an entire box of Kleenex today just wiping their little noses. Charlotte screams like I'm going after her with fire and a chisel when she sees it coming. The dramatics of this little girl are just amazing.

My throat hurts and I am exhausted. I'd love nothing more than to rant and rave about a zillion things but I am just to tired to continue . Sorry to be so boring folks. Really I am.