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Thursday, March 31, 2011

We should've stayed in LA

My feelings are extremely hurt right now and if anyone takes this personally, I really don't freaking care. I feel more alone here than I did in Los Angeles. My "friends" who "missed me SO much" don't really seem to give a shit that I'm back. I guess that means I was more appealing when I was 3,500 miles away. Whatever. I get that people have lives and shit comes up but you know what? If you don't want to come over then just say it. I'm a big girl (literally), I can take it. Also, being blown off for people who are in their 20's is just sad and annoying. Inside jokes are stupid and childish. I'm pushing 40 for Christ sake, reading "blah blah right?" on someones Facebook is STUPID. Then texting me on "what you should've said was..." makes me madder. Oh I'm sorry I'm not encouraging you to act like you're 20, PARDON ME! Telling me that my attitude is "old" PICKING A FIGHT WITH ME!!! You know what's old? YOUR CASE OF ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT!!

Als0, guess what? Glen is going to die ANY FREAKING MINUTE and I am heartbroken so excuse me for not being in a happy damned mood for you people! I'm sorry I miss him already, I'm sorry that I hear him giggling like a girl when I say Simpson's lines and it makes me cry, I'm sorry I have memories of when we worked together and we'd hang out in the middle of the night on our nights off and drink coffee and laugh at stupid crap and make up silly things, I'm sorry my love for him is getting in the way of your stupid ass good time! I'm sorry I'm handling losing him differently than you are. I'm not YOU! I don't demand you handle grief differently so don't you dare expect me to either.

Bottom line, I'm sorry we came back here. I feel more alone here than I did in Los Angeles. The only people who seems to give a crap about me are my parents and I don't have a right to demand they hang out with me to help me with my sanity. They have lives too, I'm realistic. At least they don't blow me off though. Is this the correct form for me to say my peace? Probably not. I'm extremely upset and was hoping to maybe have one friend to be with here....guess that was to much to ask.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I'm angry

Nothing says "I will CUT you" like this look my daughter is giving in this photo to her father for being in her way when she's trying to eat and watch Blues Clues.

I'm angry. Now Glen has pneumonia on top of cancer which means they had to stop chemo. Chemo is what he feels is keeping him alive. I think his will is what is doing it but you don't argue with a dying Irishman...EVER.

You know what? I'm to pissed off to really post anymore without going on rants that people will try and take personally and that's not my intention.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


One of my dearest friends has cancer, he's going to die soon. It's not right. He came over yesterday to visit and spend time with the kids. Watching his face light up when they laughed almost killed me. He won't have children, he won't get married, he won't live another year and it's not fair. He will be leaving behind his parents and 2 older brothers. I have known this family for most of my life. His middle brother Bryan was at one time, my best friend. He dumped all his friends for a junkie girlfriend. He was also here yesterday and I wanted to hold him down, shave his head and repeatedly punch him in the face. I have a lot of anger towards him in this situation. I don't think he really realizes he's going to lose his little brother. I'm sure he's dealing with this in his own weird twisted way. Who knows. What I do know is that cancer is the cruelest, most evil thing on the planet....after Republicans. Sorry, had to put that in there.

I love my friend Glen, he's like a brother to me. I think I am gearing up emotionally for his departure. I want God to grant him peace. I don't want him in pain. He's trying so hard to have the best time he can with what time he has left. He's an inspiration to all around him.


Monday, March 14, 2011

Things feel weird

I hate this teething stage.....why can't my kids be like some others who just wake up and it's like "oh look you have teeth?" Mine drool and chew things like rats, whine and cry and make the world miserable along with them.

On top of this, daylight savings is fucking us all. My cat is gone and the other cat is just acting weird now. She was weird before but she's gotten worse. She won't come to bed and I can't sleep without a kitty above my head.

I probably have more to go on about but to be honest, with Bean gone, I'm beyond depressed. My mom will probably have Charlie cat put down this week too. He's almost 17 and has kidney disease and arthritis. It's all to much to think on. Why do we keep putting ourselves though this?

Friday, March 11, 2011

RIP Bean kitty

RIP our beloved Bean kitty. You were the sweetest, most loyal and loving kitty ever. I will miss you every day and every night. Not sure how I will sleep without you over my head :'(

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Bullying in today's day

I was a bullied kid. It started when I was about 8 years old. The boys started calling me fat. Naturally, the girls who didnt like me started in too, but it was mainly the boys. I was picked on everyday for being "fat"...I look back at pictures now and think "I wasnt even really FAT, I was TALLER than they all were but FAT? No, not hardly". I hated school, so much in fact that I never went an entire week from elementary school till high school. I finally snapped in junior high which was exponentially worse. There were even more kids who I didnt know who decided I was "fat and disgusting" too. I suffered through 7th grade, went home daily and cried, had a handful of loyal friends but they were picked on too for other various things, i.e. glasses (had those too), braces, being short, in the 8th grade, I discovered things like cigarettes, sex (I hit puberty pretty big time over that summer) and I developed a temper.....I made a couple of new friends which were boys....boys with long hair and tempers who didnt like me being picked on. Well, one day at school, a dumb ass kid who I didnt like decided he was going to be a smart ass and call me not only FAT but a slut (I was a virgin) too so I produced a large switchblade and told him to F off......I was suspended the next day and never went back to public school...I was sent to the school where the 'bad kids' go.....funny....I wasnt really a bad kid...I was the quiet one who really minded my own damned business, played music and wanted to be left's funny how the abused are usually the ones punished...of course teachers saw my torment on a daily basis for YEARS and not ONCE did they ever do shit to stop it!!

Well, the difference between torture in the 80's and 90's and now are quite huge. Today the torment doesnt stop once school stops, kids text and IM and blog 24/'s disgraceful, horrible and I think kids who harm other children should all be expelled...thus living a life being uneducated and ridiculed for being stupid...they should be shamed. I also think kids now are even meaner then they used to be. I blame this on the parents NEVER disciplining the rotten little things. I refuse to allow my kids to be mean to other children.

That's all for now.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Running on empty

I don't remember the last time I got more than a few hours of sleep...and not even in a row. Yesterday I turned 37. Big freaking deal. It was a pretty crappy birthday. Charlotte is constipated and has been refusing a bottle because she's teething like mad. Took her to the pediatrician to make sure she didnt have any ear infections or anything..nope, just backed up in the belly. So I have to put pear juice in her milk to keep the "flow" going..... both kids were up and down each hour the entire night last night so I am at the point of delirium. My eyes hurt, I feel like vomiting I'm so tired and I can't stop drinking coffee and eating sugar. I'd kill for a proper meal of meal, veggies and potatoes. I'm exhausted. I can hardly microwave a bag of popcorn.

I'm waiting for the vet to call me back. I need to have Bean put down. She's 13 years old, mean and not in the best condition. She is pooping and peeing in the cellar because she hates the babies. I know it's her, I have caught her in the act. I tried to find her a new home but no takers and I cant guarantee that if she's taken to a new home that she won't freak out and poop all over their house because she's pissed off. I love her dearly and I am broken hearted that she's so angry at me. I know it's because the babies are no longer babies and are officially toddlers. They now invade her territory 24/7 and she's fed up. I feel like a horrible cat momma and and a total shit of a human being for this. I can't guarantee that she's not going to get mad and start crapping where the kids can get it and get diseases. Not good.

What else? I burned the shit out of the back of my head with hair color. Probably shouldnt have left it on for 45 minutes....oh well. At least I'm blond again.

No idea what 's going on in the real world because it's non stop Blues Clues here at the moment.