Ok, this is annoying me.

Heheheeh baby eating carrots and the look of dislike...funny.

So, I have a fair amount of friends that are married. I would like to know how many "love" their in-laws. I can count on both hands how many of my female married friends that do NOT love them, in fact, told me that once they had children, it changed how they felt about them completely. They had similar feelings before having the kids but once they were in the picture, those feelings of dislike grew even more. Now, I am not saying "hate", I am talking about dislike, mainly disliking behavior, not the person necessarily. I guess I'll leave it at that.

Well, apparently if you leave the white noise machine on during nap time, the naps last longer! Who knew.....I was trying not to use it except for bedtime but naps are very fussy so I am seeing if this helps. So far John has been asleep going on 2 hours and Miss thing over an hour and for her, that's really good. My god, they're getting so big, it's depressing. It's awesome that they're trying to talk and rolling, really standing when you hold them and they give kisses and hugs. Man, they're really cool.

I, on the other hand, am not doing well at all. I probably still do have postpartum. I still cry a lot, I have a ton of anger and fear and uncertainty. Our futures are so unclear and that worries me. I have gained a lot of weight and physically cannot stand to look at myself & I feel horrible, knees totally shot, back in constant hell. I saw myself in the mirror the other day and wanted to die. I look so gross I can hardly believe my own kids still love me.

One of my old bosses really wants me to help him on a spreadsheet project and I don't know how to tell him that I can't because I can't stomach the idea of leaving my kids with anyone other than their father and I don't want him to see me. I couldn't stand the idea of him making fun of me. I know he'd be teasing, we always had that relationship but I know that office and what a sewing circle it is, don't want to be gossiped about and I would be.

I'm tired.