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Monday, February 8, 2010

So much I don't even know where to start...

There is just so much brewing in my head I don't even know where to begin. I am horribly depressed and full of anger, this I am fully aware of, how to handle it, not so sure. I am also pretty sick to my stomach today and really bitter and annoyed about it. Can't take a sick day from babies, just doesnt exist. Feeling very alone and helpless.

I watched years ago, a documentary about an ape family where the youngest ape was extremely clingy towards the mother. There were other siblings but the baby was especially draining on the mother. I see this situation in myself with Charlotte. She wants no one but me. She'll let other people hold her but my GOD she gets hysterical if I put her down, even for a moment. This is very hard on me. Her cry is the most shrill sound and can peel the paint off the walls and I'm convinced my neighbors are going to call social services because I had to pee and put her down for a moment or had to feed her brother (that's when the hysteria really takes place). I want nothing more than for my babies to sleep in their cribs and not in the swings. I just replaced batteries again and now I have no more, this creates stress for me. Yes, that's all it takes. I know we are out of D batteries and it gives me a panic attack.

They say that having children is very stressful on a marriage. Yep. I love my husband very much. Do I like him right now? That's a different story. He is all I have here therefore, he is my emotional punching bag. Not that I want to be that way towards him but he is here and no one else is and I have no other outlet. I will leave it at that.

Well we just had a complete episode here. Charlotte was screaming so long and so hard, my eyes are swollen from crying. John cried himself out in the playpen. I'm devastated right now. I just couldnt put her down to get him. She was screaming like she was on fire. I feel completely helpless.

I was going to go on about different stuff but now I'm really overly upset.

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