No I am not the writer in this family

Well, I'm not the accomplished writer in this house but since my husband is "busy", I'll start this little venture.

Hi....I'm Nora and I have fraternal twin 3 month olds, John and Charlotte (aka "JD" and "Teenie"). My beautiful children were born in October and have been the center of my world from day 1. This blog will be an ongoing chronicle of their "firsts" and seconds and my daily bitchy ramblings on other various subjects that pop into my stay at home noggin which means all sorts of stuff that means nothing to anyone but me really. I guess I should give a little info about me. I'm 35 soon to be 36 and recently left my job of 7 years to stay home with my babies and have been married to my husband Barry for almost 5 years, I'm overweight and suffer from postpartum too and yeah, I'll probably go into all that later on.... So there you have it....and here I will begin on my first complaint of the day.

The Grammys....specifically the Michael Jackson "Tribute". WTF was that crap? Why was it in 3D? Does the entire country have 3D glasses just sitting around in their homes? Lord knows I don't and it was just plain stupid! Out of all the good MJ songs they chose that one? BLAH!!!! It was so horrible it made Teenie cry! Also, I'm sorry but those kids are NOT HIS blood, HELLO? Anyone ever actually look at them? COME ON! That poor boy looks like a drug addict in waiting. I'm sure that's a really mean thing for me to say but are you seriously telling me those kids are going to have "normal" lives after how they've been raised? Hell no, it's going to take eons of therapy and medication to help them adjust to normal lives. They really should go to homes OTHER than anyone with the last name Jackson. Joe Jackson is just waiting to turn them into little money making machines for him so he can roll around in the cash. Someone needs to get them away from him before he damages them like he did his own children.

Moving on....Jenna Bush Hager PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop reporting on the Today Show. You even make Matt Lauer uncomfortable. You look like a deer caught in headlights and your voice is shaky. Just because your father was President (not by my votes EVER) does not entitle you to ruin my morning show. Please stop it. On the plus side, Hoda is back today, YAY! Other than Kristen Chenoweth (love her) with Kathie Lee last week, it was lame.

Oh good, Teenie just passed some gas, hopefully she pooped. She's been making that face all morning, all parents know the face, all red and the eyes get huge and there's grunting involved. Yes, I'm going to be discussing the twins "bowel movements". It's what new parents do. It's sad and pathetic and I am fully aware that the main discussion I have with my husband revolves around poop....the color, the amount, texture, and so forth.... its not far from when I used to work full time and we'd talk about poop in the office....yes, we really did. Probably more so than I do now. How I miss those guys.

The twins are also both teething which SUCKS. It's early for teething too which is even worse. They do not yet possess the motor skills to hold something and chew it so there's a lot of discomfort, mainly for the boy. He's handling this worse than his sister who chews her fingers and drools. Apparently Baby Orajel tastes like complete shit because the reaction I get from John is rather like if you shoved a giant piece of poop in your mouth, lots of gagging and screaming and now that happens just as I pick up the TUBE! Drama anyone? Tylenol seems to work too thankfully.

Well so far today I have sheets in the wash and I was able to shower, this proves that the day was indeed productive for me. That may seem pathetic and sad in your opinion but it's a damn accomplishment in my book. Hopefully I can get the kids outside for a walk today because it's supposed to rain the rest of the week. They're napping in their swings at the moment. They only sleep in their swings. We are aware that they should be in their cribs, believe me, FULLY aware and I hear all manner of shit about it from my mother on a daily basis. BUT she doesnt live here and has nothing keeping her awake night after night so she can cram it. There are some doctors that say the swings are fine and others who do not. Our pediatrician is one who does not like it but SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE and these damn things have been a godsend for us. If it was not for the swings, we'd have completely lost our minds from lack of sleep. We have to get them into the cribs, we know this and want it to happen. John, when put in his crib, flails around like his ass is on fire, its the most annoying thing you will ever see and it looks horrible to watch. He grunts and groans and then has a total meltdown. Usually, when you pick him up, he burps. Now, WHY is the crib giving my kid gas???? When both babies are on their play mats, they tend to have meltdowns eventually and it's always gas related. So it feels like neither of them will ever be able to sleep on their backs like they're "supposed" to?! ARGH!!!!!

Havent seen Monkey our diabetic cat yet this morning, she must be hiding under the bed. She had tail surgery a couple weeks ago for a giant cyst and in the process we learned that she was diabetic. Well, she's 22 1/2 lbs so that makes sense. Our other cat Bean is like 8 lbs and only has 4 teeth yet dominates the giant lumbering Monkey. I'll not even pretend to understand them, but I love them regardless and am grateful that they don't completely hate me for bringing screaming babies into their perfect little world. Note to anyone who is pregnant and has pets...PAY ATTENTION TO THEM WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL! Both my husband and I have taken special care to paying as much attention to our furry babies as much as possible since the twins have come into our lives. I love the asshole people who were like "Are you going to get rid of the cats when the babies are born?" Why would I? What the hell is wrong with people? You just toss aside an animal because you had kids? Why exactly? The cats have been great around my babies. Monkey doesn't really want a lot to do with them but if Charlotte is screaming bloody murder, she'll always come around to see what the issue is. Bean likes to sniff them and has even marked John as hers. Now, before you freak out, both my cats are girls and female cats mark their territory by rubbing their heads and mouths on things, they don't pee on things like the male cats do. So chill the hell out.

Well Hoda and Kathie Lee are on now and I need to put sheets in the dryer. Oh good, John is waking up which means that he'll be up in about an hour. He's a slow riser. Charlotte wakes up screaming like she's on fire, just how she came into our world. Pray that no one has major meltdowns please. I need the prayers.

Have a good day people